Nicole In A Nutshell

October 21, 2009

Abandonment issues

Filed under: Blog News,Randomness — by Nicole @ 6:25 pm

If a blogger neglects to post for months but realizes the error of her ways and returns to her faithful readers, is she still a blogger? Survey says…yes! So sorry for the extended delay, but I guess I’d found it difficult to take time away from my busy schedule of doing nothing to write on this here site.

So where were we? Last we spoke, momma was playing the role of Captain Find-A-Mirror, special to the Fashion Police Emergency Services Unit. Things have not changed much. The seasons have shifted, and with them the wardrobe atrocities committed on the streets of New York and beyond are fall-focused. Whereas summer apparel issues usually take the form of scant pieces in desperate need of further coverage, fall and winter present a much graver issue. It seems, despite the lack of tundra in the Big Apple, that people remain committed to pelts and the promotion of murder. See, e.g. Exhibit A:

Where’s a gallon of red paint when you need it? It’s quite possible that this coat is as faux as baby girl’s lips, but that still promotes the image and concept of fur as fashionable. But let’s cut a ho a break for just a moment. Clearly, the girl has bigger problems:


One should never resemble Donatella Versace so closely, but when you are 23 and could be DV’s stunt double, we’re talking official rock bottom status. Dios mio, girl. Do you need any more bad karma on your head? Methinks you don’t.

In all seriousness, I just do NOT understand the draw of fur. Unless you are a huntress (or a hunter, because I ain’t sexist) and using the whole animal for foodstuffs as well as your trousseau, I simply don’t get it. The food chain is one thing…raising creatures for the sake of “luxury” accoutrements is quite another. Aren’t there viable options for keeping warm that don’t involve slaughter?

I realize that this is a controversial issue, and that is why I am opening up this dialogue. If you’re a fan of fur, what is it that attracts you? I’d honestly like to know. Comment away…

*(images courtesy of Socialite Life and Gawker, respectively)*

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June 24, 2009

Stripes and checks and dots…oh my!

Filed under: bitchin' and moanin',Randomness — by Nicole @ 10:35 pm

I realize that we all come across wardrobe atrocities on a daily basis, but the one I saw today and choose to highlight here was particularly egregious, and it took one of my pet peeves to a whole new level. As I was waiting for my breakfast in the cafeteria at work, a guy came up next to me to place his order. This dude, no doubt a wet-behind-the-ears summer associate, was wearing pants with a grid print, a tri-colored striped shirt, and a patterned tie. I consider it a personal victory that I didn’t whip out a notebook and issue him a fashion police summons right there on the spot. I’m told that I often make facial expressions that I don’t realize I’m making (i.e. eye rolling), so I can only imagine what kind of stink eye I shot this fella. The issue boils down to this: what gives with the pattern-on-pattern-on-pattern stylings of so many gentlemen in this day and age? Clashing colors I can understand; color blindness, after all, is an overwhelmingly male impairment based on genetic freakiness and cannot be helped. But lo, there is NO SUCH THING as design blindness (at least in terms of a medical condition). A sophisticated and subtle combination of textures and colors is one thing, but looking like every day is laundry day is quite another, and is, in a word, unacceptable.

Ladies, if you’re dealing with this at home, I implore you to step in. Help him out. Hell, lay out his clothes if you can get away with it. Do what you have to do. If you have a friend in this predicament and aren’t privy to his closets on a daily basis, make some recommendations in a constructive way. If you’re unwilling to step in and help out the men in your life that clearly need the guidance, send ’em to me. It’s my (burgeoning) bidness. But know this: friends don’t let friends over-pattern.

June 15, 2009

Best. Idea. Ever.

Filed under: Hawtness,Randomness,Shopping — by Nicole @ 11:00 pm

So tired and ready for bed, but wanted to post this before I forgot. The end-of-night rolly shoe is finally here. It’s a concept I’ve actually cultivated for a long time (in flip flop form) but never did anything about. Well, some entrepreneurial Brit beat me to it, and I just hope he brings the business to this side of the pond. I certainly never thought of selling them in vending machines (genius!!!), but us Yankee gals could certainly benefit from these gems too. It’s like the socks you used to bring along to bar mitzvahs, in which to dance and play “Coke and Pepsi”, only for adults and inspired by too much boozing. A lost innocence, perhaps, but a damn good solution nonetheless.

June 12, 2009

Back by popular demand

Filed under: Blog News,It's All About Me,Randomness — by Nicole @ 7:23 pm

Well how-dee-do! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Momma’s been busy, but she’s back to entertain you lovelies. Just dawned on me that it’s been about 2 months since my last post, and that’s way too long. I still haven’t fully unpacked the new place (can I still even call it new anymore? Jury’s still out on that), and am looking forward to the day when it gets accomplished. Unfortunately, there’s no ETA on that since it involves getting my lazy ass up and doing the work. Meh.

Since my last post, I’ve been bored at work, gone to see Phish a bunch of times (!!!), and, well, nothing else really sticks out in my mind. I beg of you, don’t be too jealous of my uber-exciting life.

So let’s pick up where we left off and pretend that my little hiatus never happened. Random and/or obscure movies that you so need to own. My list starts with the following, in no particular order:

Center Stage: the story of a girl and her journey through the hard knock life of NYC ballet. Campy delicious goodness.

Troop Beverly Hills: Phyllis Nefler. ‘Nuff said.

Love Story: maybe not so obscure, but sweet jesus this is the best PMS film ever put on celluloid. Bonus feature: rough and tumble college hockey!

Death Becomes Her: star-studded ridiculousness, featuring Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis and Isabella Rosselini. A cult classic.

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger/Death Of A Cheerleader*/Friends ‘Till The End: Never heard of them? Well, shame on you! The Academy snubbed these three gems, which are Lifetime Originals starring the illustrious former stars of the greatest show ever aired on television. I speak, of course, of “Beverly Hills, 90210.” The first two feature the most radiant natural beauty America has to offer, one Victoria “Tori” Spelling. The third flick is headlined by none other than Brenda Walsh herself, the thespian goddess that is Miss Shannen Doherty.

*Ummm, holy crap. A commercial for “Death Of A Cheerleader” just came on while I was writing this very section. It’s an obscure enough movie to make that reeeeally creepy. My DVR might reject it like a bad transplant organ, but I’ll be damned if that isn’t going to be on my watch list for the weekend.

Your turn, in the comments.

April 4, 2009

Singin’ the Facebook blues

Filed under: Randomness — by Nicole @ 9:33 am

There have been so many comments and gripes about Facebook recently that I feel as though there’s always one around every corner. This person hates the new format, that person loves the new format and is squawking at the folks who despise it. Others hate the onslaught of “What kind of…?” quizzes that seem to have infested the site, others take them every day, all day and publish each result like some scientific study. We, as a scociety, have gotten to the point where we now have entire websites devoted to FB bitchin’. Say what you will about it being overly negative, etc.: it’s hilarious. Allow me to introduce you, via the suggestion of a friend (thanks, and here’s your very own shout out, E!), STFU Marrieds and STFU Parents. Now, if you know me, it goes without saying that I want to be both married and a parent (sooner rather than later if I have it my way), but I hereby give you official license to kick me in the head if I become as obnoxious as these people when I do take the plunge(s).

I can’t complain too much about FB though, as it has sent some of you lovely readers my way. It’s a great way to procrastinate (which could be a good or bad thing), and it really is an amazing way to catch up with people who you forgot existed. I just find it amusing when folks (myself included) get peeved when people DON’T have Facebook. Sign of the times, I suppose.

Don’t have much time to write today, as it’s time to get crackin’ on the packin’. However, I leave you with this: next post will focus on the random and/or obscure movies that you know you need to own but somehow hold a void in your collection. Put ’em in the comments, and we’ll forage through some cinematic glory together.

April 2, 2009

Sometimes there are no words

Filed under: Randomness — by Nicole @ 12:02 am

As you well know, it is the rare occasion on which I find myself speechless. However, I had one of those moments today when I was sent this link and asked to blog about it (thanks, K!). Having gotten home from work at 12:30 am, I am running on fumes, but I couldn’t let this one go.

Bottom  line: I can’t get out of this neighborhood soon enough!

March 31, 2009

You like me…you really like me!

Filed under: It's All About Me,Randomness — by Nicole @ 10:14 pm

This here blog got a record number of hits today, so thank you!!! I still find it kind of surreal that you want to hear what I have to say, but I’ll keep on truckin’ as long as you keep reading 🙂

As I’ve said before, I love topic suggestions, and one was sent my way today. The request, which arrived via text, was as follows: “Why do homeless people like Starbucks? Can you blog about that?” Well, J…your wish is my command. Unfortunately, there is a pretty short answer to that query (at least as far as my theorizing goes). People who pay $5 for a cup of coffee are likely more apt to have some spare change in their pockets than the peeps buying a cheap cup of joe from a bodega, so I imagine that the more entrepreneurial residentially-challenged folk would set up shop at the ‘Bux. You go where the money is, and it isn’t just the less fortunate members of society who abide by this approach.

On a completely different note, here’s my take on a topic of my own choosing based on a very interesting experience I had this evening. After meeting with some hardcore Orthodox pro bono clients in Boro Park, my colleague and I went for a quick dinner. Being both a Super-Jew and a dude, my colleague felt right at home. I, however, did not. When I got dressed this morning, I thought my attire was professional, tasteful and appropriate, but the fact that my suit involved pants really bit me in the ass tonight.

Have you ever gotten the stink eye from children in strollers while their parents whispered about and stared at you like you were some sort of exotic animal? I have. I made my co-worker go pick up my dinner because I didn’t want to face the awkwardness of getting up and revealing my trouser-wearing ways.

Now, I realize that I was an outsider in their community (despite my own technical Jewiness), but I have to take issue with the fact that while I was being treated like some sort of sideshow act, the male cashier was rocking a yarmulke/muscle shirt combo. What gives? After consulting the only uber-Jew in my inner circle, the only response I received was, and I quote: “guys and girls…not the same.” Well, thank you Captain Obvious. I’ve sat through “the talk” and at the tender age of 30, know enough about the birds and the bees. What I don’t understand is the raging double standard that no one seems able to explain to me. As such, I am officially calling BS on the freakshow treatment. That isn’t meant to offend anyone (at least not any more than I was offended by this experience). If you are in fact offended, I welcome your comments, and more so, your explanations. I’d particularly like to hear perspectives on how “judge not les ye be judged” kicks in here. I may be rusty, but I’m pretty sure that’s in the handbook. Have at it.

March 25, 2009

Pop-ins, pricks, and Paula

Yes, I’m all over the place today. Bear with me.

Let’s start with PRICKS. Fuck the MTA. Somewhere really uncomfortable. Like in the back of a Volkswagen. Fuck the board members who know nothing of the crowded, unwashed masses that comprise rush hour traffic. Fuck these assholes who just a few years ago maintained a massive surplus (where’d it go, because it certainly didn’t go towards inproving service) and now cry poverty. Fuck these bitches who are not only hiking fares by alarmingly significant amounts, but are simultaneously making giant service cuts. Fuck their subsidized housing. Fuck their towncar rides to work. Fuck them all. Their time will come, and my only hope is that I be there to see it. I envision it might look something like the undoing of Mussolini at Piazzale Loreto.

Now, onto POP-INS. Since I live in the borough of Siberia, I don’t get many pop-ins. However, it can be a serious problem for some (well, maybe not so serious), and I address it now. Let’s use the generic example of the pop-in on a newly relocated person/couple/family/roommate conglomeration/etc. We’ll say that it took place at about 11 a.m. on a Saturday with no advanced notice.

The pop-in is a multifaceted maneuver, so let’s first examine the issue of timing. Not only was our pop-in in question undertaken just weeks after the big move, but it went down on a weekend morning. Whoa. There are red flags flying all over the place. I believe that a societal rule should be set in stone right here and now: no pop-ins on a fresh move until after the housewarming party*. To me, it’s just a matter of courtesy.

* N.B.: We are talking only about pop-ins. This rule does not apply to previously invited guests.

As for the weekend morning situation, I’ll borrow a line from one of the heroes of our time, a Mr. GOB Bluth, and that line is “Come on!!!” The morning pop-in moratorium is something that shouldn’t even have to be said, but alas, it seems to be an issue. As a self-accepting lifelong “non-morning person”, I might be alone on this one, but I really don’t think I am.

We now come to the question of notice: how much is enough? Unless it’s an emergency, simply pressing the buzzer to announce your presence does not notice make. A pop-in is not, by definition, an orchestrated event. It is an “I was in the neighborhood” kind of thing. As such, there is no reason to give less than 5 minutes notice for a standard pop-in. If one is already in the ‘hood, one can find something to do with one’s time for 5 minutes if need be. Find a Starbucks. I think this can happen if people pull together and realize how they’d react if someone was ringin’ on their door at an inopportune moment. Again, putting this guideline in place is common civility at work.

Finally, we get to PAULA. Girl, please get some styling help tout de suite. In fact, I hereby offer my services. The evening gown/tutu hybrid works on NO ONE. The Wednesday night Idol outfit served only 2 purposes: to confuse young children (who were up past their bedtime) by combining two pieces that even they would know not to put together whilst playing dress-up, and to just add fuel to the fire that is your reputation as a wacked out looney toon. The hair was pretty, and I’ll give you that. However, fire your wardrobe chick. YESTERDAY.

February 19, 2009

Peeing without a pee-pee…what’s a gal to do?

Filed under: Blog News,Randomness — by Nicole @ 9:49 pm

Picture it: you’re standing in a crowded place (i.e. the National Mall at the dawn of a new era, Times Square on New Year’s Eve [although why one would subject oneself to such torture I’ll never know]). You are a lady, and you gots to go number one. You can’t just whip it out like our brothers can and do, since there’s no “it” to whip out (unless you’re a pre-op and have the best of both worlds). You don’t want an unsightly puddle gathering at your feet, but you don’t want to miss out on the action. You’re in a quandary: what do you do?

Allow me to present Go Girl. As a rather frequent pee-er (that’s not an overshare, it’s a fact), I find this product intriguing. I also find it kind of gross. However, as my beloved Michael K at Dlisted brought it to my attention, so too do I bring it to yours. Draw your own conclusions. Oh, and if you happen to have experience with or purchase this product, I think we’d all like to hear some feedback.

I’d also like to direct your attention to a new addition on the blogroll: F*** My Life. It was recently brought to my attention, and I haven’t stopped laughing since. It’s a great time waster, and it speaks to the notion that things could always be worse. Schadenfreude? Perhaps. Hilarious? Absolutely.

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