Nicole In A Nutshell

March 25, 2009

Pop-ins, pricks, and Paula

Yes, I’m all over the place today. Bear with me.

Let’s start with PRICKS. Fuck the MTA. Somewhere really uncomfortable. Like in the back of a Volkswagen. Fuck the board members who know nothing of the crowded, unwashed masses that comprise rush hour traffic. Fuck these assholes who just a few years ago maintained a massive surplus (where’d it go, because it certainly didn’t go towards inproving service) and now cry poverty. Fuck these bitches who are not only hiking fares by alarmingly significant amounts, but are simultaneously making giant service cuts. Fuck their subsidized housing. Fuck their towncar rides to work. Fuck them all. Their time will come, and my only hope is that I be there to see it. I envision it might look something like the undoing of Mussolini at Piazzale Loreto.

Now, onto POP-INS. Since I live in the borough of Siberia, I don’t get many pop-ins. However, it can be a serious problem for some (well, maybe not so serious), and I address it now. Let’s use the generic example of the pop-in on a newly relocated person/couple/family/roommate conglomeration/etc. We’ll say that it took place at about 11 a.m. on a Saturday with no advanced notice.

The pop-in is a multifaceted maneuver, so let’s first examine the issue of timing. Not only was our pop-in in question undertaken just weeks after the big move, but it went down on a weekend morning. Whoa. There are red flags flying all over the place. I believe that a societal rule should be set in stone right here and now: no pop-ins on a fresh move until after the housewarming party*. To me, it’s just a matter of courtesy.

* N.B.: We are talking only about pop-ins. This rule does not apply to previously invited guests.

As for the weekend morning situation, I’ll borrow a line from one of the heroes of our time, a Mr. GOB Bluth, and that line is “Come on!!!” The morning pop-in moratorium is something that shouldn’t even have to be said, but alas, it seems to be an issue. As a self-accepting lifelong “non-morning person”, I might be alone on this one, but I really don’t think I am.

We now come to the question of notice: how much is enough? Unless it’s an emergency, simply pressing the buzzer to announce your presence does not notice make. A pop-in is not, by definition, an orchestrated event. It is an “I was in the neighborhood” kind of thing. As such, there is no reason to give less than 5 minutes notice for a standard pop-in. If one is already in the ‘hood, one can find something to do with one’s time for 5 minutes if need be. Find a Starbucks. I think this can happen if people pull together and realize how they’d react if someone was ringin’ on their door at an inopportune moment. Again, putting this guideline in place is common civility at work.

Finally, we get to PAULA. Girl, please get some styling help tout de suite. In fact, I hereby offer my services. The evening gown/tutu hybrid works on NO ONE. The Wednesday night Idol outfit served only 2 purposes: to confuse young children (who were up past their bedtime) by combining two pieces that even they would know not to put together whilst playing dress-up, and to just add fuel to the fire that is your reputation as a wacked out looney toon. The hair was pretty, and I’ll give you that. However, fire your wardrobe chick. YESTERDAY.

January 20, 2009

Nina Simone put it best

Filed under: Issues In The News,On A Serious Note.. — by Nicole @ 10:02 pm

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
Its a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good…

It’s a new America!!! Happy Inauguration Day!!!

January 17, 2009

Real reality TV

Filed under: Issues In The News — by Nicole @ 6:14 pm

OK, it’s reality via YouTube, but it’s a must-watch. It pretty much sums up what they won’t seem to say in the mainstream media about the terrorists that run the Palestinian government and their hideous and deceptive actions which led to the current situation in Gaza. I don’t think it makes me any less of a liberal to side against Hamas, even though for some reason support for Israel seems to be construed as a right-wing position. I welcome comments from all perspectives.

January 16, 2009

Here’s what I don’t get…

Filed under: Issues In The News — by Nicole @ 11:24 pm

Don’t birds fly, like all the time? Is that not what they do all day long? Am I missing something here? My question is, how the fuck do they not notice a freaking airplane coming straight at them? Are these suicidal birds? Are they depressed about the economy? Have they recently gone through a breakup? Do their parents not understand them? Do they feel they have nowhere else to turn? That is the only explanation I can come up with as to why these ornithological creatures would ignore their exponentially larger manmade winged brethren in the sky and go for broke right into the engines kamikaze-style. I’m not planning on losing any sleep over it, but birds: you are on notice. You’re giving the animal kingdom a bad name with this nonsense. Straighten up and fly right (I couldn’t help myself).

November 11, 2008

Crazy people

Filed under: bitchin' and moanin',Issues In The News,It's All About Me — by Nicole @ 9:44 pm

Just finished watching a pretty amazing (and really fucked up) documentary on MSNBC called “Witness to Jonestown”. For those not familiar with the murders and mass suicide that occurred in Guyana in 1978, I highly recommend that you take a look at this piece. It’s the situation that created the phrase “drinking the Kool Aid” (since followers were instructed to kill themselves by drinking cyanide-laced punch) and is quite telling. More so, however, is the similarity that I see to Jim Jones and some of the fundamentalist evangelicals out there today like James Dobson and Fred Phelps. Their Kool Aid is hate speech, and people are drinking it left and right. Pretty scary, folks.

You know who else is crazy and scary? Mormons. This is a people who funded 70% of the “Yes on Prop 8” movement in California. I still don’t understand how same-sex marriage is a threat to anyone, but to provide such vehement support for a measure whose only purpose is to strip away others’ rights is truly baffling. This is a people who, because of their own practice of polygamy, had to move west and form their own state (Utah). It is only within the last century that this practice was outlawed in the official church doctrine, so maybe they are bitter that they can no longer ad wife after wife to their respective broods, but to me, they should be more sympathetic to non-traditional practices. Equally disturbing is the fact that the the Church of Latter Day Saints (puhleeze) have been and continue to attempt posthumous conversion of Holocaust victims to Mormonism. Are you fucking kidding me? I only recently found out about this situation, and I am simply dumbfounded by it. It’s not often that I’m speechless, but…

On a lighter, but no less crazy, note, I present to you a personal story of sheer nuttiness. For years, our family has split a partial season ticket package to Yankee games along with a group of family friends. The tickets are in another dude’s name, and for as long as this arrangement has been in place, we pay him in full for the package, and we get all of the tickets in return. However, this year saw a whole new ball of wax. Ostensibly because this was the last year the Bombers would be playing inthe House That Ruth Built, the guy with the seats took it upon himself to gank several sets of tickets (premium games, mind you) without paying for them, giving us notice, or even asking if we were all cool with it. As we had already paid in full for the entire ticket package, we were not at all cool with this. Since he had literally taken possession of the tickets in question before turning over the rest to us, there was little we could do other than demand our rightful money back for the lost games. By the end of the season, we had seen no cash come our way. As the designated lawyer and writer of strongly worded letters, I sent him such a letter over a month and a half ago. I recently received the response below. It’s a doozy…enjoy:

***

My apologies for not responding earlier, BUT THAT IS ALL I APOLOGIZE
FOR.  Your  communique made me so angry I was ready to go for the
throat, verbally, with the 2 so called “partners” you mentioned on 9/29/08.  I decided
to let cooler heads prevail (mostly mine).  Forward this message to
all involved.  Let them know I never REALLY got over the Aaron Boone
game, then we can take it from there.

To put this in street parlance, I feel the two supposed gentleman you
mentioned “played” me for the benefit of themselves, their families,
their friends.

SOME of the accusations and details you brought up are BLATANTLY
false, MOST INACCURATE at best.

Where I come from as a Southern gentleman and scholar, when I help
someone it is implied  that they offer something back without me
having to ask. Obviously it doesn’t work that way up here.

It depends on how far you want to take this; I still have the ticket
rights for next year and am considering renewing.  I WILL MAINTAIN THE
CONTROL OF THOSE TICKETS OR GIVE THEM UP ENTIRELY.   You and you alone
I would consider as a partner; one of the two gentleman you mentioned
is OUT completely – I will let THEM figure out who that is.

Bottom line is those two tried to “play” each other, as well as me.
Never trust someone who is a narcotics addict, or thinks that
extramarital sex is OK    You will end up hurt or embarrassed.  I will
leave it at that.

If you or they want to continue the discussion I look forward to that.

SINCERELY,

[redacted]
Southern Gentleman and Scholar

P.S. –  if you don’t vote for OB, be he Muslim or not, someone is playing YOU!

***

Can you say batshit insane??? Footnote: this response was forwarded to our entire ticket group, and not one member knew what the hell this guy was talking about in any single one of his rambling references. Judge Judy, here we come!!!

November 6, 2008

A shout out to Michelle Obama

Filed under: Hawtness,Issues In The News,Shopping — by Nicole @ 10:55 pm

Girrrrrrl…we gotta talk. First of all, congratulations. You are an amazing woman with a fantastic family and are very much an inspiration. You will make a wonderful First Lady. In order for that to happen, your hubby needs to be inaugurated, and I trust that you will look impeccable as he does so. However, based on your choice of attire at his historic and beautiful victory speech at Grant Park, I am gravely concerned. You’ve often proven that you have great taste, but the member of your “glamour team” responsible for fashion deserves a smack upside the head for that getup. The Narciso Rodriguez dress, standing alone, would have passed muster had it not been altered from its original runway form (which had a shorter bodice). I can understand lengthening it to appear more First Ladylike, but that wasn’t the only problem. Perhaps there was a chill in the air, perhaps in all the excitement you forgot to wax/shave/laser under your guns, but whatever the reason, covering up with that cardigan-shrug hybrid was a grievous error. It added frump, and you are not frumpy. So, since your stylist seems to have taken leave of his/her senses (which should open up a vacancy, in which case, call me!!!), I humbly offer my suggestions for Inaugural Ball redemption. There’s gonna be a lot of partying going down, and you’ll need a fresh dress for each event. In no particular order, here is my well-researched take on designers that would make you shine like the star that you are:

  • Marchesa
  • Vera Wang
  • Elie Saab
  • Carmen Marc Valvo
  • Carolina Herrera
  • Monique Lhuillier
  • Badgley Mischka
  • Reem Acra
  • Thakoon (just make sure you don’t get into a Thakoon rut – he’s done well by you, but variety is the spice of life)
  • Richard Tyler
  • Valentino
  • Korto from Project Runway
  • Rami from Project Runway
  • Narciso Rodriguez (it’s not his fault that the Grant Park outfit went bad – most of his designs are spectacular and would suit you to a T)
For the actual inauguration suit, you can’t beat a classic: Chanel all the way.
Makeup-wise, you’re always stunning, but everyone could use a discount at the facepaint emporium that is Sephora. That’s why I’m happy to pass along to you (and all of my lovely readers) the 20% off code that is valid from November 6th through 11th: FF2008. Note: the code is only valid online.

You go girl!

November 5, 2008

Tempered euphoria…I haz it

Filed under: Issues In The News — by Nicole @ 11:22 pm
Everyone has that morning-after glow; it’s as if the whole country had the greatest sex of their life last night. Smiles are abundant. It’s a wonderful day for America.
However, let us not lose sight of the other decisions that were made on Election Day. Shame on you, Florida, Arizona and California voters who cast ballots of hate, for showing your true (bigoted) colors and denouncing the gays as second-class citizens. I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it again: separate but equal is never equal. Call it a civil union, a domestic partnership or whatever you will, it’s simply not the same as marriage, and that is a right you have callously stripped away from people who just want to express their love and commitment in the same way that you do.
I often wonder about people who so demonize same-sex marriage and hypothesize what they would do in the event that they produced a gay child.
  • Would they love and support that child and his/her right to marry unconditionally? If so, then they’d be acting hypocritically with respect to the position that they preach. Now I’m not saying that people can’t change, and if they change for the better, then great, but shouldn’t they be respectful of all people, whether or not they’re related?
  • Would they reject the child outright? If so, that flies in the face of that whole “unconditional love” thing that is the foundation of the notion of family values.
  • A third, and unfortunately all too common situation: would they make it so difficult for that child to live and love as the true person that they are that the child must stay closeted for years, if not for life? Statistically, gay teens have a massively higher rate of depression and suicide, mainly because they are forced to live a lie. Any good parent would never want to make their own child suffer, yet so many people are so deeply entrenched in what they think their religion, society or community is telling them is right that they can’t see how much they hurt their loved ones.
One hopes, for the sake of our nation’s future, that people will eventually wise up and realize that gay doesn’t equal threat, and that love is love.
On a brighter note, some good things happened in several states:
  • Voters in Washington state brought respect to the polls by legalizing physician-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. If only the other states would follow suit, we’d have no more Terri Schiavo debacles and would let people maintain their dignity through and after their passing.
  • Anti-abortion measures in South Dakota, Colorado and California failed, which is a giant sigh of relief for the ladies of those states and the men who fuck them.
  • Michigan legalized the use of medical marijuana. This makes Michigan the 13th state to allow for the use of cannabis to relieve the painful symptoms of for patients suffering from a variety of chronic ailments.
  • Massachusetts decriminalized possession of less than an ounce of weed (road trip to Boston!!!). Instead of facing criminal penalties, people caught with under an ounce will be subject to a $100 fine and forfeiture of said weed (thus guaranteeing severe munchies for staties and cops throughout Mass).

So I guess the moral of the story is this: while the events of last night produced historic and mostly positive results, we’ve gotta keep on keepin’ on in making sure that one day, the same historic advances can be blessed upon all Americans.

Change we need, yes indeed!!!

Filed under: Issues In The News — by Nicole @ 12:31 am

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No need for that Valium tonight, baby!

As my people say, mazel tov Obama/Biden!

November 4, 2008

Vote For O, have an O!!!

Filed under: Issues In The News — by Nicole @ 11:37 pm

Actually, it doesn’t matter who you voted for. As long as you did the deed, you can go to the NYC or Seattle locations of famed pleasure emporium Babeland from November 4th through November 11th and get yo’self a free sex toy. For the ladies, they are giving away the “Silver Bullet“, a tried and true classic. For the gents, the prize is, ahem, the “Maverick“. Show proof of voting or give them your “word of honor” that you cast your ballot and the freebie is yours. Fuck coffee, ice cream and donuts – this is the gift that keeps on giving!!! Rawr!!!

kissmeivoted1

Well, that’s all folks! It’s in the stars now. I’m sitting at the edge of my seat, trying not to hyperventilate into a paper bag. As the Valium beckons from the medicine cabinet, I bid you bonsoir. Fingers (and toes) crossed!!!

November 3, 2008

Getting down to the wire…

Filed under: Issues In The News — by Nicole @ 10:58 pm

Holy shit – it’s almost here!!! Just a quick reminder to double check your polling place and to call 1.866.OUR VOTE if you have any questions or problems related to voting. It’s a nationwide hotline, so call from any state and encourage others to do so as well.

No matter how you’re voting, this is going to be a historic election, so be sure to do your civic duty and exercise one of the most important rights we have as Americans. Remember: if you don’t vote, you’ve got NO right to bitch!!!

Oh, and good news for caffeine freaks – free tall brewed coffee at Starbucks for ALL voters (not just Floridians)! Happy buzz!!!

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