Nicole In A Nutshell

February 3, 2009

This one’s for the ladies

Filed under: bitchin' and moanin',It's All About Me — by Nicole @ 10:54 pm

DISCLAIMER!!! If you have a penis, it’s not likely that you’ll find this post informative, useful, or interesting in the slightest. In fact, it’s probably TMI as far as what you need or want to know. Consider yourself warned.

Now that the housekeeping’s out of the way, let’s talk about waxing. Girls, it has become our burden as women to trim, pluck, thread, Epilady, and otherwise engage in torturous methods of hair removal on various parts of the body. Of course, the most egregious manifestation of this phenomenon is the Brazilian wax. Setting aside for a moment the natural processes that we chicas go through and that men get to avoid (the monthly visit from Aunt Flo, squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a grape, back issues because of “the girls”, etc.), we have allowed ourselves to surrender to a cadre of insufferable habits and procedures are female-exclusive and do not come from Mother Nature. Do men wear heels? Oh, please. Do males spend massive amounts of time and money on makeup and skin products, highlights and hair products? Give me a break. Do the fellas make any attempt to clean up the pubes, chest, back, arm, eyebrow, or any other hair other than that on their noggin? Fuck and no. Yet we empowered women of the 21st century continue to engage in these primping exercises on a regular basis.

That being said, it is what it is (or at least what it has become). Because it was looong overdue (by whose standards, I’m not quite sure), I went for an organic Brazilian today. Usually, I try to pre-empt the excruciating pain with LMX-4, a hard to find numbing creme (and yes, I am fully aware that I’m a complete pussy). Unfortunately, the concoction was not in my desk drawer as I thought it was when I booked my appointment, so I went in totally vulnerable. Luckily, I stumbled upon THE BEST WAXER IN THE WORLD!!! Allow me to introduce you to Lisa (pronounced Lissa), the wonderful Russian lady who did an amazingly thorough, swift, and empathetic job. She works at a small, unassuming salon called Confidence (located on 3rd Avenue between 22nd and 23rd Streets), and a big plus about this place is that you can set appointments through Lifebooker at significant discounts. Best of all, Lisa did not show me the fruits of her labor, i.e. the muslin strips full of wax and hair. I cannot conceive of a situation where and why an aesthetician would think this was appropriate or of interest to the client, but it has happened to me at many a wax. Lisa, ever the pro, refrained from this behavior and in so doing, racked up tons of bonus points.

Despite Lisa’s prowess, I still found the need to distract myself as much as possible. Enter the iPod. As I flipped through songs, I thought it would be a good train-ride-home project to compile a soundtrack for this very occasion. Behold the waxing playlist:

Start it off with one of these gems:

“Ready Or Not” by The Fugees

“Take It Off” by The Donnas

“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor

“Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns n’ Roses

If you’re wise enough to have applied some LMX-4 or similar, go with this:

“Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd

Breathe, and continue with these:

“Wild Honey Pie” by The Beatles

“When It Hurts So Bad” by Lauryn Hill

“Wide Open Spaces” by the Dixie Chicks

“Patience” by Guns ‘n Roses

“Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” by Culture Club

“Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile

“Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

“Any Way You Want It” by Journey

“Dry Your Eyes” by The Streets

“Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks

“I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy

“I Wanna Be Sedated” by The Ramones

“It Can’t Come Quickly Enough” by Scissor Sisters

“Land Down Under” by Men At Work

“No Woman, No Cry” by Bob Marley and The Wailers

“Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn” by The White Stripes

“Relax, Take It Easy” by Mika

“What Is And What Should Never Be” by Led Zeppelin

“It’s Not Right But It’s Okay” by Whitney Houston

“Fast As You Can” by Fiona Apple

“Don’t Leave Me This Way” by Thelma Houston

If you’re getting a sugar wax, you obviously want to include this:

“Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard

When you start to reflect on men and how much they suck for not waxing themselves, try these:

“Goodbye Earl” by the Dixie Chicks

“Hey Fuck You” by the Beastie Boys

“Knock ‘Em Out” by Lily Allen

“U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer

“What Is It About Men” by Amy Winehouse

When it’s all over, treat yourself to these:

“Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley

“Cool It Down” by the Velvet Underground

“Heal The Pain” by George Michael

Now you’re done, and you are the most amazing woman alive! Go ahead and bust these out:

“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred

“Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer

“I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross

“Filthy/Gorgeous” by Scissor Sisters

“Foxy Lady” by Jimi Hendrix

“I’m Free” by The Who

“Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin

“You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate

“Song 2” by Blur

***

Godspeed, ladies. Have a drink – you’ve earned it!

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2 Comments »

  1. Dude, what the hell is a sugar wax?

    Comment by Jen — February 19, 2009 @ 11:37 am

  2. The sugar wax I’ve had is basically like being waxed with caramel. I had it at an Indian salon outside the US many years ago and consisted of a light caramel (melted sugar) thinned out with some lemon juice. They put it on in a thin layer with a knife and then tear it off like wax. It’s great because any remnants just come off when you take a shower and you don’t find little bits of wax behind your knees two days later like you do with regular wax.

    Comment by Veronica — February 27, 2009 @ 6:23 am


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