Nicole In A Nutshell

December 3, 2008

Hot damn, it’s Christmastime!

Filed under: Shopping,Steals and Deals — by Nicole @ 6:32 pm
Hope everyone had an enjoyable, if not boozy Thanksgiving. Now it’s time for the real fun to begin! The Christmas season need not be filled with fatal Black Friday-type stampedes (one more example of the pure evil that is Wal-Mart), but the stress does pile on, leading many to lose their ever-lovin’ minds. If I may, I’d like to share with you some tips for getting through this holiday season. Behold:
  • When on a long, crowded line and in a hurry, spontaneously develop a loud and obnoxious coughing fit and direct it to the person in front of you. Perhaps they’ll let you go ahead of them, or even leave the line in disgust. Either way, you’re movin’ on up! Repeat as necessary until you make your way through the line and have completed your transaction.
  • Load some calming, soothing music on your iPod. Serenity now. You’ll thank me later.
  • Keep the iPod on whilst shopping. It makes the unwashed masses so much easier to avoid, particularly over-aggressive salespeople and merciless perfume/cologne sprayers. The bonus: if you aren’t partial to Christmas music, you’ll be able to easily drown out the holiday classics that repeat on a continuous loop throughout each store.
  • Bring that iPod along with you to the family festivities. It’ll come in handy when asked to perform manual labor, menial tasks, and requests to listen to the same goddamn stories over and over again.
  • Drink heavily. Prepare a cocktail in an opaque beverage bottle (I like the Sigg stainless steel model) whenever you leave the house. It really takes the edge off when dealing with maddening crowds and moronic tourists.
  • Smile. It provides for a cheery facade while your internal monologue repeatedly tells pushy shoppers and sidewalk cloggers to go fuck themselves. (N.B. The drinking will help with this one.)
  • If you detest shopping completely (sacrilege!) or simply want to do some good, consider making donations to your pet causes in lieu of gifts. Just be sure not to pull a George Costanza…make sure your charity actually exists.
  • If you simply can’t bear the crowds, shop online. It’s a great way to procrastinate at work (just don’t let your boss catch you), and you can bang out most, if not all of your gifting without getting out of your seat. Here’s a website that constantly offers sales on designer goods (free membership required):
  • Be sure to get gift receipts. If people don’t like what you got them, fuck ’em. Those bitches can go stand on the endless return line themselves.
  • Ready yourself with emergency supplies to be kept on hand at all times. I recommend Valium.
Most importantly, enjoy the season. When you look past the frenzied nature of life until after the New Year, it’s really a pretty time to be out and about. Lights are twinkling, bells are jingling, and life is good. Soak it in – it’ll be grey and slushy soon enough.

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