Back by popular demand

Well how-dee-do! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Momma’s been busy, but she’s back to entertain you lovelies. Just dawned on me that it’s been about 2 months since my last post, and that’s way too long. I still haven’t fully unpacked the new place (can I still even call it new anymore? Jury’s still out on that), and am looking forward to the day when it gets accomplished. Unfortunately, there’s no ETA on that since it involves getting my lazy ass up and doing the work. Meh.

Since my last post, I’ve been bored at work, gone to see Phish a bunch of times (!!!), and, well, nothing else really sticks out in my mind. I beg of you, don’t be too jealous of my uber-exciting life.

So let’s pick up where we left off and pretend that my little hiatus never happened. Random and/or obscure movies that you so need to own. My list starts with the following, in no particular order:

Center Stage: the story of a girl and her journey through the hard knock life of NYC ballet. Campy delicious goodness.

Troop Beverly Hills: Phyllis Nefler. ‘Nuff said.

Love Story: maybe not so obscure, but sweet jesus this is the best PMS film ever put on celluloid. Bonus feature: rough and tumble college hockey!

Death Becomes Her: star-studded ridiculousness, featuring Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis and Isabella Rosselini. A cult classic.

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger/Death Of A Cheerleader*/Friends ‘Till The End: Never heard of them? Well, shame on you! The Academy snubbed these three gems, which are Lifetime Originals starring the illustrious former stars of the greatest show ever aired on television. I speak, of course, of “Beverly Hills, 90210.” The first two feature the most radiant natural beauty America has to offer, one Victoria “Tori” Spelling. The third flick is headlined by none other than Brenda Walsh herself, the thespian goddess that is Miss Shannen Doherty.

*Ummm, holy crap. A commercial for “Death Of A Cheerleader” just came on while I was writing this very section. It’s an obscure enough movie to make that reeeeally creepy. My DVR might reject it like a bad transplant organ, but I’ll be damned if that isn’t going to be on my watch list for the weekend.

Your turn, in the comments.

Jackpot!!!

Well, boys and girls, FOREVER took a lot less time than I thought, as I have found an apartment and signed a lease!!! There are so many wonderful features about this place that it is hard to figure out where to begin. Actually, it’s not so hard…the place is less than 3 blocks from work, which means “Sayonara MTA!!!” I cannot, repeat, CANNOT wait to flip that fucking system (and my heinous daily commute) the bird in just a few short weeks. Someone told me that there was a study which found a direct correlation between short commutes and overall happiness. I haven’t even moved in yet, but I can already tell you that I’m near certain that htis will be the case for me. No more unwashed masses, no more throwing elbows before I’ve had my coffee, no more seat face-offs. Serenity now.

I have to give a big shout out and thank you to Lauren Dulberg, my wonderful broker. She knows her stuff and will make sure you’ve got your shit together so that you can get into the perfect home. I highly recommend that you trust her with your realty needs .

Now onto some shopping goodness: if you’re into Juicy Couture, do yourself a favor and print out this coupon, which is good at the Juicy factory outlets. Just one caveat: please make sure you write “Mary Horan” on the page before you turn it over to the cashier so that she gets credit for the sale(s). Thanks, and happy shopping!

You like me…you really like me!

This here blog got a record number of hits today, so thank you!!! I still find it kind of surreal that you want to hear what I have to say, but I’ll keep on truckin’ as long as you keep reading

As I’ve said before, I love topic suggestions, and one was sent my way today. The request, which arrived via text, was as follows: “Why do homeless people like Starbucks? Can you blog about that?” Well, J…your wish is my command. Unfortunately, there is a pretty short answer to that query (at least as far as my theorizing goes). People who pay $5 for a cup of coffee are likely more apt to have some spare change in their pockets than the peeps buying a cheap cup of joe from a bodega, so I imagine that the more entrepreneurial residentially-challenged folk would set up shop at the ‘Bux. You go where the money is, and it isn’t just the less fortunate members of society who abide by this approach.

On a completely different note, here’s my take on a topic of my own choosing based on a very interesting experience I had this evening. After meeting with some hardcore Orthodox pro bono clients in Boro Park, my colleague and I went for a quick dinner. Being both a Super-Jew and a dude, my colleague felt right at home. I, however, did not. When I got dressed this morning, I thought my attire was professional, tasteful and appropriate, but the fact that my suit involved pants really bit me in the ass tonight.

Have you ever gotten the stink eye from children in strollers while their parents whispered about and stared at you like you were some sort of exotic animal? I have. I made my co-worker go pick up my dinner because I didn’t want to face the awkwardness of getting up and revealing my trouser-wearing ways.

Now, I realize that I was an outsider in their community (despite my own technical Jewiness), but I have to take issue with the fact that while I was being treated like some sort of sideshow act, the male cashier was rocking a yarmulke/muscle shirt combo. What gives? After consulting the only uber-Jew in my inner circle, the only response I received was, and I quote: “guys and girls…not the same.” Well, thank you Captain Obvious. I’ve sat through “the talk” and at the tender age of 30, know enough about the birds and the bees. What I don’t understand is the raging double standard that no one seems able to explain to me. As such, I am officially calling BS on the freakshow treatment. That isn’t meant to offend anyone (at least not any more than I was offended by this experience). If you are in fact offended, I welcome your comments, and more so, your explanations. I’d particularly like to hear perspectives on how “judge not les ye be judged” kicks in here. I may be rusty, but I’m pretty sure that’s in the handbook. Have at it.

Snoozing and losing

I’m going to go ahead and borrow a line from one of my favorites to express my feelings on the NYC real estate market: “Rat farts!!!” Let me rewind and say that I have indeed found a wonderful broker whom I trust and know will help me find the perfect place (thanks for the suggestion J, and thanks for putting up with me L!). Now with that being said, I need a kick in the ass. I’d do it myself, but I’ve got a bad knee.

Allow me to share the chronology of my latest hunting experience (note: looking for apartments is the only kind of hunting real New Yorkers do). Found the cutest place. Went back to see it three times. Displayed a stunning lack of decisiveness. Finally decided to go for it. Picked out paint colors and furniture. Gathered all of the necessary paperwork (including application, tax returns, second grade report card, 500 word essay on why I am the perfect renter, and photo ID). Paid the credit check fee. Waited, fairly impatiently, for the application decision. Found out that apartment had been snatched out from under me within a matter of hours. Got really annoyed. Re-ignited futile Craigslist searching.

Moral of the story: don’t be a pussy. Had I sacked up and made a decision when my instinct told me that I would be happy in this place, I could have signed a lease today. Had I spent less time choosing acoutrements and decorations than taking care of actual business, I would be toasting to my new 3 block work commute. I’m telling myself that this apartment wasn’t meant to be for me, but that’s just so I don’t stay up all night pondering what might have been.

So it’s back to the drawing board. If you need me, I’ll be out hitting the pavement. FOREVER.

Pop-ins, pricks, and Paula

Yes, I’m all over the place today. Bear with me.

Let’s start with PRICKS. Fuck the MTA. Somewhere really uncomfortable. Like in the back of a Volkswagen. Fuck the board members who know nothing of the crowded, unwashed masses that comprise rush hour traffic. Fuck these assholes who just a few years ago maintained a massive surplus (where’d it go, because it certainly didn’t go towards inproving service) and now cry poverty. Fuck these bitches who are not only hiking fares by alarmingly significant amounts, but are simultaneously making giant service cuts. Fuck their subsidized housing. Fuck their towncar rides to work. Fuck them all. Their time will come, and my only hope is that I be there to see it. I envision it might look something like the undoing of Mussolini at Piazzale Loreto.

Now, onto POP-INS. Since I live in the borough of Siberia, I don’t get many pop-ins. However, it can be a serious problem for some (well, maybe not so serious), and I address it now. Let’s use the generic example of the pop-in on a newly relocated person/couple/family/roommate conglomeration/etc. We’ll say that it took place at about 11 a.m. on a Saturday with no advanced notice.

The pop-in is a multifaceted maneuver, so let’s first examine the issue of timing. Not only was our pop-in in question undertaken just weeks after the big move, but it went down on a weekend morning. Whoa. There are red flags flying all over the place. I believe that a societal rule should be set in stone right here and now: no pop-ins on a fresh move until after the housewarming party*. To me, it’s just a matter of courtesy.

* N.B.: We are talking only about pop-ins. This rule does not apply to previously invited guests.

As for the weekend morning situation, I’ll borrow a line from one of the heroes of our time, a Mr. GOB Bluth, and that line is “Come on!!!” The morning pop-in moratorium is something that shouldn’t even have to be said, but alas, it seems to be an issue. As a self-accepting lifelong “non-morning person”, I might be alone on this one, but I really don’t think I am.

We now come to the question of notice: how much is enough? Unless it’s an emergency, simply pressing the buzzer to announce your presence does not notice make. A pop-in is not, by definition, an orchestrated event. It is an “I was in the neighborhood” kind of thing. As such, there is no reason to give less than 5 minutes notice for a standard pop-in. If one is already in the ‘hood, one can find something to do with one’s time for 5 minutes if need be. Find a Starbucks. I think this can happen if people pull together and realize how they’d react if someone was ringin’ on their door at an inopportune moment. Again, putting this guideline in place is common civility at work.

Finally, we get to PAULA. Girl, please get some styling help tout de suite. In fact, I hereby offer my services. The evening gown/tutu hybrid works on NO ONE. The Wednesday night Idol outfit served only 2 purposes: to confuse young children (who were up past their bedtime) by combining two pieces that even they would know not to put together whilst playing dress-up, and to just add fuel to the fire that is your reputation as a wacked out looney toon. The hair was pretty, and I’ll give you that. However, fire your wardrobe chick. YESTERDAY.

The apartment hunter’s motto

I knew that my attempt to relocate back to Manhattan from Strollerville USA wouldn’t be 100% smooth sailing. Nothing in the NYC real estate market ever is. I was hoping it wouldn’t be too painful. Said hopes were dashed when I met with my first few brokers. Despite the fact that I’ve lived all over this city, I never really had to deal with many of these folks before. Times have changed. These people (at least most of the ones I’ve met so far) are simply ridiculous. The best way to get someone to NOT work with you (and make you a hefty fee) is to waste their time. Hence, my new realty-searching tag line:

DON’T PISS ON MY HEAD AND TELL ME IT’S RAINING.

If I say I want a one bedroom, don’t show me a studio. If I say I absolutely, in no uncertain terms, want a dishwasher, don’t show me places without one. If you tell me that the apartment features huge outdoor space, don’t show me a 2X4 foot concrete extension out a window and laud it as a “terrace”. Don’t tell me that it’s a no-fee rental and that there’s one month free rent (usually highlighted by several exclamation points on the myriad Craigslist ads you run), then tell me that I’ll need to turn over the one month free rent as a fee. DO NOT use Photoshop, technical wizardry, or other imaging enhancements to turn a veritable shoebox into Gracie Mansion when advertising. None of this makes sense, and it only serves to piss off the potential client, a/k/a me. That being said, if any of y’all are brokers who shun these types of behaviors, I’d love to hear from you.

OK, rant over. Here’s some good news: Recessionista Tuesdays @Ted Gibson Salon (http://tedgibsonsalon.com)!!!

Cuts – $75
Blow dry – $40
Color – $75

Although I imagine that this discount doesn’t apply to the $950 price tag attached to a cut by Ted G himself, this is a pretty sweet deal. It’s probably wise to ask about prices when booking an appointment so you know what you’re getting into (i.e. if you want highlights, don’t just assume that the $75 color price applies).

CRAZY PEOPLE, PART 3

All work and very little play make me a horrible blogger Oh, how I’ve missed you!

Here’s a “Crazy People” update (actually, an update to the first update), because this bidness never stops! Despite the fact that we ALREADY WON, our illustrious opposing party has filed an order to show cause, claiming that he was “sick” during our last court appearance and that our statements about the situation are false. This means another trip to scenic River Avenue. At least it’ll be a chance to check in on the progress at the new Stadium! Details to follow…

Shopping news:

C L O T H I N G L I N ESSS Sample Sales 261 W 36th Street (between 7th & 8th Ave) 2nd Floor New York, NY 10018

Preview us online at www.clothingline.com E-mail us at jordan@clothingline.com

All accessories & swimwear are final sales. Dressing room will be closed for the duration of this sale. Our entrance and selling floor closes up to 30 minutes prior to close of store. J. CREW MEN’S & CREWCUTS SALE IS COMING APRIL 13TH.

Mas sample sales

Sample sales are that wonderful phenomenon that defies evolutionary definitions, as women become both hunters AND gatherers. Of course, men can hold their own as well, but when the lady claws come out, the true masters show their colors.

These sales are all coming up within the next couple of months at Clothingline (261 West 36th Street [b/w 7th and 8th], 2nd Floor). Of course, were you to engage my professional services, I’d guide you through these events and find you the best pieces they’ve got.  I throw elbows, and would be happy to do so for you (and everyone you know). 261 W 36th Street (between 7th & 8th Ave)
2nd Floor
New York, NY 10018261 W 36th Street (between 7th & 8th Ave)
2nd Floor

Coming February 23 for Women

Coming March 2 for Men & Women

Coming March 10 for Men & Women

Coming March 17 for Women

Coming March 22 for Infants & Kids

Coming March 30 for Women

Coming April 13 for Women, Men & Kids

Entrepreneurial endeavor – it’s on!!!

I’m a businesswoman, bitches! It’s been a busy and fabulous few days in the burgeoning stages of my personal shopping venture. I’ve chosen a name, acquired a few clients, and bought several domain names, which are currently in the website development stage. Please, please, please spread the good news that a wonderful shopper and stylist is now on the scene and accepting new clients of all shapes, sizes, budgets, and genders (trannies welcome!). It’s a very exciting time, and I can’t wait to share the details of my experiences with you.

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I continue to build this shopping/styling empire, I have run into a slight stumbling block: the name. Every fucking website domain I want is taken, and taken by bastard squatters. Well, fuck those assholes.  I’ve hit a cyber-wall and need some fresh brainstormin’, but refuse to let the squatters win. I need something snappy, relevant and incredibly fabulous. Suggestions are welcome, appreciated, and requested. Thanks in advance…looking forward to all the responses (hint, hint).

Also, since I don’t watch “Private Practice” and keep forgetting about this crossover nonsense with “Grey’s Anatomy”, I have for the past 2 weeks forgotten to DVR the PP following GA and am now left with an unsettling cliffhanger that I believe may have been resolved in the episode I didn’t see. If anyone knows whether things were wrapped up in a pretty little package in the subsequent hour, please let me know WITHOUT TELLING ME WHAT HAPPENED!!! I am just trying to determine whether I’m going to need to track down the episode or if I can hold off until next week’s GA to get the answers I need. Muchissimas gracias.