Abandonment issues

If a blogger neglects to post for months but realizes the error of her ways and returns to her faithful readers, is she still a blogger? Survey says…yes! So sorry for the extended delay, but I guess I’d found it difficult to take time away from my busy schedule of doing nothing to write on this here site.

So where were we? Last we spoke, momma was playing the role of Captain Find-A-Mirror, special to the Fashion Police Emergency Services Unit. Things have not changed much. The seasons have shifted, and with them the wardrobe atrocities committed on the streets of New York and beyond are fall-focused. Whereas summer apparel issues usually take the form of scant pieces in desperate need of further coverage, fall and winter present a much graver issue. It seems, despite the lack of tundra in the Big Apple, that people remain committed to pelts and the promotion of murder. See, e.g. Exhibit A:

Where’s a gallon of red paint when you need it? It’s quite possible that this coat is as faux as baby girl’s lips, but that still promotes the image and concept of fur as fashionable. But let’s cut a ho a break for just a moment. Clearly, the girl has bigger problems:

One should never resemble Donatella Versace so closely, but when you are 23 and could be DV’s stunt double, we’re talking official rock bottom status. Dios mio, girl. Do you need any more bad karma on your head? Methinks you don’t.

In all seriousness, I just do NOT understand the draw of fur. Unless you are a huntress (or a hunter, because I ain’t sexist) and using the whole animal for foodstuffs as well as your trousseau, I simply don’t get it. The food chain is one thing…raising creatures for the sake of “luxury” accoutrements is quite another. Aren’t there viable options for keeping warm that don’t involve slaughter?

I realize that this is a controversial issue, and that is why I am opening up this dialogue. If you’re a fan of fur, what is it that attracts you? I’d honestly like to know. Comment away…

*(images courtesy of Socialite Life and Gawker, respectively)*

Stripes and checks and dots…oh my!

I realize that we all come across wardrobe atrocities on a daily basis, but the one I saw today and choose to highlight here was particularly egregious, and it took one of my pet peeves to a whole new level. As I was waiting for my breakfast in the cafeteria at work, a guy came up next to me to place his order. This dude, no doubt a wet-behind-the-ears summer associate, was wearing pants with a grid print, a tri-colored striped shirt, and a patterned tie. I consider it a personal victory that I didn’t whip out a notebook and issue him a fashion police summons right there on the spot. I’m told that I often make facial expressions that I don’t realize I’m making (i.e. eye rolling), so I can only imagine what kind of stink eye I shot this fella. The issue boils down to this: what gives with the pattern-on-pattern-on-pattern stylings of so many gentlemen in this day and age? Clashing colors I can understand; color blindness, after all, is an overwhelmingly male impairment based on genetic freakiness and cannot be helped. But lo, there is NO SUCH THING as design blindness (at least in terms of a medical condition). A sophisticated and subtle combination of textures and colors is one thing, but looking like every day is laundry day is quite another, and is, in a word, unacceptable.

Ladies, if you’re dealing with this at home, I implore you to step in. Help him out. Hell, lay out his clothes if you can get away with it. Do what you have to do. If you have a friend in this predicament and aren’t privy to his closets on a daily basis, make some recommendations in a constructive way. If you’re unwilling to step in and help out the men in your life that clearly need the guidance, send ‘em to me. It’s my (burgeoning) bidness. But know this: friends don’t let friends over-pattern.

Best. Idea. Ever.

So tired and ready for bed, but wanted to post this before I forgot. The end-of-night rolly shoe is finally here. It’s a concept I’ve actually cultivated for a long time (in flip flop form) but never did anything about. Well, some entrepreneurial Brit beat me to it, and I just hope he brings the business to this side of the pond. I certainly never thought of selling them in vending machines (genius!!!), but us Yankee gals could certainly benefit from these gems too. It’s like the socks you used to bring along to bar mitzvahs, in which to dance and play “Coke and Pepsi”, only for adults and inspired by too much boozing. A lost innocence, perhaps, but a damn good solution nonetheless.

Back by popular demand

Well how-dee-do! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Momma’s been busy, but she’s back to entertain you lovelies. Just dawned on me that it’s been about 2 months since my last post, and that’s way too long. I still haven’t fully unpacked the new place (can I still even call it new anymore? Jury’s still out on that), and am looking forward to the day when it gets accomplished. Unfortunately, there’s no ETA on that since it involves getting my lazy ass up and doing the work. Meh.

Since my last post, I’ve been bored at work, gone to see Phish a bunch of times (!!!), and, well, nothing else really sticks out in my mind. I beg of you, don’t be too jealous of my uber-exciting life.

So let’s pick up where we left off and pretend that my little hiatus never happened. Random and/or obscure movies that you so need to own. My list starts with the following, in no particular order:

Center Stage: the story of a girl and her journey through the hard knock life of NYC ballet. Campy delicious goodness.

Troop Beverly Hills: Phyllis Nefler. ‘Nuff said.

Love Story: maybe not so obscure, but sweet jesus this is the best PMS film ever put on celluloid. Bonus feature: rough and tumble college hockey!

Death Becomes Her: star-studded ridiculousness, featuring Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn, Bruce Willis and Isabella Rosselini. A cult classic.

Mother, May I Sleep With Danger/Death Of A Cheerleader*/Friends ‘Till The End: Never heard of them? Well, shame on you! The Academy snubbed these three gems, which are Lifetime Originals starring the illustrious former stars of the greatest show ever aired on television. I speak, of course, of “Beverly Hills, 90210.” The first two feature the most radiant natural beauty America has to offer, one Victoria “Tori” Spelling. The third flick is headlined by none other than Brenda Walsh herself, the thespian goddess that is Miss Shannen Doherty.

*Ummm, holy crap. A commercial for “Death Of A Cheerleader” just came on while I was writing this very section. It’s an obscure enough movie to make that reeeeally creepy. My DVR might reject it like a bad transplant organ, but I’ll be damned if that isn’t going to be on my watch list for the weekend.

Your turn, in the comments.

Singin’ the Facebook blues

There have been so many comments and gripes about Facebook recently that I feel as though there’s always one around every corner. This person hates the new format, that person loves the new format and is squawking at the folks who despise it. Others hate the onslaught of “What kind of…?” quizzes that seem to have infested the site, others take them every day, all day and publish each result like some scientific study. We, as a scociety, have gotten to the point where we now have entire websites devoted to FB bitchin’. Say what you will about it being overly negative, etc.: it’s hilarious. Allow me to introduce you, via the suggestion of a friend (thanks, and here’s your very own shout out, E!), STFU Marrieds and STFU Parents. Now, if you know me, it goes without saying that I want to be both married and a parent (sooner rather than later if I have it my way), but I hereby give you official license to kick me in the head if I become as obnoxious as these people when I do take the plunge(s).

I can’t complain too much about FB though, as it has sent some of you lovely readers my way. It’s a great way to procrastinate (which could be a good or bad thing), and it really is an amazing way to catch up with people who you forgot existed. I just find it amusing when folks (myself included) get peeved when people DON’T have Facebook. Sign of the times, I suppose.

Don’t have much time to write today, as it’s time to get crackin’ on the packin’. However, I leave you with this: next post will focus on the random and/or obscure movies that you know you need to own but somehow hold a void in your collection. Put ‘em in the comments, and we’ll forage through some cinematic glory together.

Jackpot!!!

Well, boys and girls, FOREVER took a lot less time than I thought, as I have found an apartment and signed a lease!!! There are so many wonderful features about this place that it is hard to figure out where to begin. Actually, it’s not so hard…the place is less than 3 blocks from work, which means “Sayonara MTA!!!” I cannot, repeat, CANNOT wait to flip that fucking system (and my heinous daily commute) the bird in just a few short weeks. Someone told me that there was a study which found a direct correlation between short commutes and overall happiness. I haven’t even moved in yet, but I can already tell you that I’m near certain that htis will be the case for me. No more unwashed masses, no more throwing elbows before I’ve had my coffee, no more seat face-offs. Serenity now.

I have to give a big shout out and thank you to Lauren Dulberg, my wonderful broker. She knows her stuff and will make sure you’ve got your shit together so that you can get into the perfect home. I highly recommend that you trust her with your realty needs .

Now onto some shopping goodness: if you’re into Juicy Couture, do yourself a favor and print out this coupon, which is good at the Juicy factory outlets. Just one caveat: please make sure you write “Mary Horan” on the page before you turn it over to the cashier so that she gets credit for the sale(s). Thanks, and happy shopping!

Sometimes there are no words

As you well know, it is the rare occasion on which I find myself speechless. However, I had one of those moments today when I was sent this link and asked to blog about it (thanks, K!). Having gotten home from work at 12:30 am, I am running on fumes, but I couldn’t let this one go.

Bottom  line: I can’t get out of this neighborhood soon enough!

You like me…you really like me!

This here blog got a record number of hits today, so thank you!!! I still find it kind of surreal that you want to hear what I have to say, but I’ll keep on truckin’ as long as you keep reading

As I’ve said before, I love topic suggestions, and one was sent my way today. The request, which arrived via text, was as follows: “Why do homeless people like Starbucks? Can you blog about that?” Well, J…your wish is my command. Unfortunately, there is a pretty short answer to that query (at least as far as my theorizing goes). People who pay $5 for a cup of coffee are likely more apt to have some spare change in their pockets than the peeps buying a cheap cup of joe from a bodega, so I imagine that the more entrepreneurial residentially-challenged folk would set up shop at the ‘Bux. You go where the money is, and it isn’t just the less fortunate members of society who abide by this approach.

On a completely different note, here’s my take on a topic of my own choosing based on a very interesting experience I had this evening. After meeting with some hardcore Orthodox pro bono clients in Boro Park, my colleague and I went for a quick dinner. Being both a Super-Jew and a dude, my colleague felt right at home. I, however, did not. When I got dressed this morning, I thought my attire was professional, tasteful and appropriate, but the fact that my suit involved pants really bit me in the ass tonight.

Have you ever gotten the stink eye from children in strollers while their parents whispered about and stared at you like you were some sort of exotic animal? I have. I made my co-worker go pick up my dinner because I didn’t want to face the awkwardness of getting up and revealing my trouser-wearing ways.

Now, I realize that I was an outsider in their community (despite my own technical Jewiness), but I have to take issue with the fact that while I was being treated like some sort of sideshow act, the male cashier was rocking a yarmulke/muscle shirt combo. What gives? After consulting the only uber-Jew in my inner circle, the only response I received was, and I quote: “guys and girls…not the same.” Well, thank you Captain Obvious. I’ve sat through “the talk” and at the tender age of 30, know enough about the birds and the bees. What I don’t understand is the raging double standard that no one seems able to explain to me. As such, I am officially calling BS on the freakshow treatment. That isn’t meant to offend anyone (at least not any more than I was offended by this experience). If you are in fact offended, I welcome your comments, and more so, your explanations. I’d particularly like to hear perspectives on how “judge not les ye be judged” kicks in here. I may be rusty, but I’m pretty sure that’s in the handbook. Have at it.

Snoozing and losing

I’m going to go ahead and borrow a line from one of my favorites to express my feelings on the NYC real estate market: “Rat farts!!!” Let me rewind and say that I have indeed found a wonderful broker whom I trust and know will help me find the perfect place (thanks for the suggestion J, and thanks for putting up with me L!). Now with that being said, I need a kick in the ass. I’d do it myself, but I’ve got a bad knee.

Allow me to share the chronology of my latest hunting experience (note: looking for apartments is the only kind of hunting real New Yorkers do). Found the cutest place. Went back to see it three times. Displayed a stunning lack of decisiveness. Finally decided to go for it. Picked out paint colors and furniture. Gathered all of the necessary paperwork (including application, tax returns, second grade report card, 500 word essay on why I am the perfect renter, and photo ID). Paid the credit check fee. Waited, fairly impatiently, for the application decision. Found out that apartment had been snatched out from under me within a matter of hours. Got really annoyed. Re-ignited futile Craigslist searching.

Moral of the story: don’t be a pussy. Had I sacked up and made a decision when my instinct told me that I would be happy in this place, I could have signed a lease today. Had I spent less time choosing acoutrements and decorations than taking care of actual business, I would be toasting to my new 3 block work commute. I’m telling myself that this apartment wasn’t meant to be for me, but that’s just so I don’t stay up all night pondering what might have been.

So it’s back to the drawing board. If you need me, I’ll be out hitting the pavement. FOREVER.

Sample sale FYI

C L O T H I N G L I N ESSS Sample Sales 261 W 36th Street (between 7th & 8th Ave) 2nd Floor New York, NY 10018

We accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express, ATM bank cards and cash. Preview us online at www.clothingline.com E-mail us at jordan@clothingline.com

Starting Tuesday March 31 . . . Starting Monday April 13 . . . Starting Tuesday May 5 . . . Starting Saturday May 16 . . . Starting Sunday May 31 . . . Starting Tuesday June 9 . . .

Here I am, baby!

Welcome. I’m blogging, bitches!!! After countless people telling me, “You gotta start a blog!”, I’ve decided to make use of my excessive downtime at work (besides the requisite time spent playing Facebook Scrabble) and do just that. Let me start off by telling you a little bit about what you can expect from this site. I subscribe to the age-old proverb that “Opinions are like assholes….everybody’s got one.” I have a strong view about pretty much everything, so you’re gonna see a lot of rants and raves about a wide range of topics. Within the next month (and likely beyond), it’s going to get political around these parts. You can agree with me, disagree with me, be Switzerland, or ignore everything I have to say. It’s all good. I’m up for debate – just don’t be a jerk.

If you’ve read this far and you don’t know me personally, you’re probably wondering, “Who the hell is this chick?” I don’t blame you. I’d want to know too. Here’s a bit about me: I’m a lifelong New Yorker who’s got a love/hate relationship with my hometown. Much like Al Pacino lamented in “The Godfather III” (which, incidentally, is the only time that piece of crap will ever be mentioned here), “Every time I think I’m out, [New York] pull[s] me back in.” I’ll tell you this: if the good guys don’t win in November, I’m packing up and moving to France.

Professionally, I am a burned out, disgruntled attorney. I currently work at a huge law firm in a non-practicing capacity (read: document review). My day consists of clicking a mouse, then clicking it again, and again, and again. The term “ad nauseum” applies to my present occupation. However, there is a flickering light at the end of the tunnel. I am in the process of launching a personal shopping business, so if any of you out there are in the market for someone to overhaul your closet, help you get dressed to the nines, bargain hunt in person and/or online, wait on lines for you at stores when you just don’t feel like doing the shopping yourself, or buying gifts for others (only 76 shopping days left till Christmas!!!), then I’m your gal. I’m looking forward to sharing what will certainly be a plethora of stories about the trials and tribulations of shopping in New York, especially come the holiday season. Full disclosure: I consider shopping a contact sport. I throw elbows.

As for my interests, “I enjoy skinny skiing, going to bullfights on acid…” Obviously I am a movie fan and I sprinkle quotes into conversation quite often. I am also a sports nut, a shopaholic, an avid reader, and a TV addict. I love the outdoors and live right next to a fabulous and massive park that I never have enough time to take full advantage of. I spend way too much time reading gossip blogs.

So that’s me in a nutshell. Again, welcome, and stay tuned.

3 down, 47 to go!!!

Well done, Connecticut!!!

Now if only the rest of the country would pull its collective head out of its collective ass…I’m looking at you, New York!

Bureaucracy at its finest

So how’s this for a bite in the ass? On the very same day I started this here blog, I find out that my firm has a “no blogging on the firm’s computer system” policy. I’m pretty sure that my writing down my thoughts and observations in the seven hours of free time I have per workday can’t possibly pose any kind of conflict of interest, but in this economy, I’d rather keep my boring yet paying gig. Fear not, dear readers (all 3 of you): I will find a way to keep bitching online, come hell or high water. I’m having way to much fun with this to let The Man shut me down. 

Enjoy this lovely fall weekend.

Bounce this!

So some friends and I go out on Saturday night, and everything was going swimmingly. Pre-game at a super cute apartment, delicious Korean dinner and great wine, and then it’s time to rock out. We head to a party at a hotel bar, only to encounter a massive line outside. On the other side of the doors, there is a much shorter line. We ask the husky genius in the black suit with the requisite earpiece what the difference is between the lines, and he doesn’t seem to know. Not wanting to wait on a ridiculous queue with a bunch of B&Ters, we decide to meet up with some other friends at a new bar downtown. One of my girls has to use the facilities, so she just walks right through the front door of the hotel, and actually goes into the bar in question to use the potty. Upon her return, she reports that the bar is far from crowded. None of us can understand why this increasingly snaking line exists, but by then we’re way over it and jump in a car to head downtown.

Upon arriving at venue #2, we encounter a mini-line at the door and a pimptastic bouncer, complete with fedora at a jaunty angle, and his compatriot, the snotty blonde bitch with the clipboard. There’s all sorts of commotion and inquisition over the issue of reservations and crowding, and we are flabbergasted by this nonsense. Finally, our friend who is already inside works it out and we sail past the door Nazis, expecting a claustrophobic, packed-to-the-rafters, shove your way to the bar kind of space. Yeah, not so much. The place was half empty, and it took under 5 minutes for our entire party of 6 to get drinks and a table with seating for everyone.

So, my question is this: what the fuck? Is this a power trip thing? An attempt to seem “scene-y”? A curious situation where businesses are disinterested in making money? Thoughts???

P.S. Despite the entry drama, a good time was in fact had by all.

Saving you money, one post at a time

As the holiday season approaches and the shopping mania sets in, I for one am always on the lookout for bargains, sales and extra savings. You, my beautiful and loyal readers, can look forward to discounts aplenty, as I intend to share the wealth (no pun intended…ok, a bit intended) on this here blog.

First up: Ann Taylor LOFT. On top of the extra 25% off all sale merchandise that they are currently offering, there is an online promotional code that gets you $25 off any purchase of $50 or more. I just got 3 dresses for $40.97 including shipping!!! The code is: 89400012 Disclaimer: It wouldn’t go through when I tried to check out online, so I just called up 1.800.DIAL ANN and placed the order over the phone with the code.

Next up is Saks.

Happy shopping!!!

Liveblogging the final debate

Let the games begin…

9:12pm – John McCain is a dick. Stop fucking interrupting, old man. You had your turn.

9:17pm – Good to see that Obama laid out a plan for intelligent, responsible, realistic spending. A freeze is not only unrealistic, but harmful to the Americans McCain keeps calling “friends”.

9:21pm – I think my brain just exploded. “Senator Obama, I am not President Bush. If you wanted to run against President Bush, you should have run in 2004″. Are you fucking kidding me?

9:28pm – Great question about the negative campaigning, Bob Schieffer. Obama’s right in that “Americans don’t care about [the candidates'] hurt feelings”, but I noticed that McCain didn’t address the fact that people at his rallies are screaming “kill him” and “terrorist” and dropping n-bombs left and right. Repudiate this!

9:32pm – Nice. Obama mentioned “kill him”, etc. McCain didn’t repudiate squat. You’re proud of your rally attendees? There’s a big difference between policy protest and death threats, asshole. Wipe that shit-eating grin off your face.

9:40pm – Obama’s answer to the Ayers question in short: “Boo-ya!!!” Ditto re: ACORN. Oh, and did somebody say Charles Keating? No, didn’t think so. It’s a little thing called integrity. Look into it, John.

9:42pm – Sarah Palin is a role model to women and reformers? I think not. Stepford Sarah is, in the words of the brilliant Ms. Betty White, “one crazy bitch”.

10:01pm – Oh no! Sister called from the airport on her way to Paris and I missed a chunk of this fiery debate. I’m pretty sure that nothing was said that’s going to bring me over to the dark side.

10:04pm – This poor bastard “Joe the plumber” has no idea what he has gotten himself into. Wait a second…is he the infamous “Joe Six-Pack” we’ve heard so much about? By jove, I think he might be!

10:09pm – Way to squirrel around the Roe v. Wade question, douche. You want to judge on qualifications, and don’t believe in a litmus test, but you don’t think anyone who believes that Roe was right is qualified? Go fuck yourself. In a very uncomfortable place. Like in the back of a Volkswagen.

10:15pm – Good work by Obama differentiating “pro-abortion” (which doesn’t exist) and pro-choice.

10:25pm – I absolutely LOVE how McC keeps linking Palin and autism. It would be a better point if the link was accurate – her kid has Down’s Syndrome. Try again, crankypants.

10:27pm – “My friends” tally in McCain closing statement: 1. Nice display of restraint in that one minute speech.

10:31pm – Sweet sassy molassey – glad that’s over.

10:32pm – Oh, Cindy. Somebody needs a new stylist. Did you not know that your dress would meld into the color of the carpet, making you look creepily like you were growing out of it?

10:33pm – Michelle, as always looking chic and fabulous, and not like a walking billboard for Botox.

Well kids, that’s that. Would have been better with booze. The moral of the story is this: get your ass out there and vote! It’s the role and right of the responsible American. Make sure you’re registered and know your polling place. If you don’t vote, you’ve got no right to bitch!!!

Today’s assorted political matters

It’s scary because it’s true.

On a more positive note, I heard THE best comment of the political season today. A friend said to me, as I made the comment that our political views are somewhat divergent: “I already [absentee] voted for Obama. I may be conservative, but I’m not crazy.” We liberal pinkos welcome you with open arms, Z!!!

And on a much lighter note, a treat for those who do their civic duty this year: free ice cream!

More info is available at http://www.benjerry.com/features/i_voted/index.cfm?utm_source=chunkMail101408&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=chunkMail101408

Big ups, Vermont!!!

Ticketmaster can suck it

One of my all-time favorite bands has amazingly decided to reunite and will be playing a run of 3 shows in March for the first time in years. Upon hearing this news, I immediately reserved a hotel (mind you, one that was 6 miles from the venue, as the rather well informed and tech-savvy hippies had already managed to fill up every hotel within walking distance of the arena) and went through the band’s semi-complicated pre-sale online ticket request process. In my haste and excitement to submit my request, I managed to fuck up my order and was brutally rejected out of hand. Alas, I had to suck it up and wait for the tickets to go on sale via the evil empire known as Ticketmaster.

After a particularly inebriated Friday night, I managed to awaken on time on Saturday to attempt the ticket purchase. At the stroke of 10 (am!!!), I made my move. I did as asked, deciphering the stupid distorted words that they now use to outwit scalpers (because that works so fucking well) and awaited my fate. I was informed that my wait time would be 15 minutes or more. Then, as if magic were on my side, my wait time decreased to 7 minutes. My optimism rising, I waited with baited breath. This positivity was short-lived, as my wait time skyrocketed back up to 15+ minutes. I paced, I crossed my fingers, and I made a vain attempt at patience. It was, in the end, all for naught. After ten more minutes of incomprehensibly fluctuating wait times, I was informed that the tickets I so desired were unavailable. I retreated, a broken woman, to my couch to sulk and nap, cursing Ticketmaster and the scalpers who I knew had ganked a loyal fan’s coveted tix.

I recall, several years ago, that Pearl Jam summoned up the cojones to sue Ticketmaster on antitrust grounds. As someone who inexplicably excelled in my antitrust course, I understand the fundamentals of AT theory and cannot see how, in any good conscience, that litigation did not move forward. In my mind, there is no better example of a monopoly than Ticketmaster. If someone out there has a viable argument to the contrary, I’d love to hear it. In the meantime, I have only two words to sum up this experience and my take on the company in question:

FUCK TICKETMASTER.

The $64,000 question

I found myself, unsurprisingly, extremely bored at work today. Having finished my current book and exhausted my regular blog library, I logged into an online dating site that I haven’t checked in a while but on which I still maintain a profile. Within seconds, a guy IM’d me and asked me what I was looking for, sex or a relationship. 20/20 hindsight tells me that I should have cut off the convo right there, but out of boredom, curiosity and an attempt to get some insight into the anonymous male mind, I wrote back. I responded that I am, in fact, looking for a relationship and that the casual thing isn’t really working for me. Undeterred, this “gentleman” offered up the prospect of being “friends with benefits” as he was not looking for a relationship (mind you, I did not and do not know this fool’s name, yet he wants to be friends+). I kept the conversation going for the aforementioned reasons, and noticed that among the many inappropriate questions he asked (despite the fact that I said I was on my WORK computer and didn’t want any randy exchanges), the most persistent question had to do with the precise measurement of “the girls”. Actually, it wasn’t so much a question as a repetition of the phrase “cup size?” with punctuation that indicated that he was seeking information.

Now, I must state for the record that I am wary of online dating. It makes me nervous. But I also realize that anything is possible, so I choose not to limit my options and engage in this internet lovin’ in a sporadic manner. That being said, I doubt I will find Mr. Right on my computer screen. However, I can say unequivocally that the first conversation between my soulmate and myself will not involve an inquiry into the size of my rack. Am I right, ladies? And fellas, would you fall in love with a girl whose first round of questioning involved a query regarding the inch tally of Mr. Happy? Methinks not.

Therefore, I am now stating and implementing the following policy regarding brassiere interrogatory.

a) You find yourself in the middle of La Perla or Agent Provacateur and want to make sure that the beautiful gift you are about to get me will fit like a glove. Give me a call and I’ll gladly pass along the digits.

b) You are one of the lovely people from the laundry service who so faithfully pick up and deliver my clothing and intimates when I need you.

c) You are reading the label after having been lucky enough to remove said bra from my person. At that point, however, I’m thinking we’re probably past measurements as a matter of import.

d) You get me drunk. I tend to be real chatty under the influence.

Sincerely,

Tits McGee

Musings from a sickie

Not feeling so creative today, as I am suffering from the allergy attack/autumn cold that would not die. Whatever is stuffing up my sinuses seems to have leaked into my brain and sucked every thought right out, save “Man, I hope I’ll be able to breathe again soon.”

In the meantime, allow me to share with you two things that stood out during my seven hours of internet surfing (a/k/a my workday). The first hails from one of my favorite writers, one of the funniest commentators on society I have ever read:

“I look at these people and can’t quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it? To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked.”

- Author David Sedaris, on undecided voters

Ain’t it the truth?

The second outstanding find of the day comes in the form of a rather stirring image. I realize that it may be deemed controversial, but it sums up my feelings on the issue as succinctly as any words I might say:

 

Separate but equal is never equal. Do the right thing, California.

Oh cold/allergies, I wish I knew how to quit you

Yup, still sick. This sucks. I am posting on a damn Saturday night, missing a friend and loyal reader’s birthday celebration (sorry C – I owe you a drank) and wishing I could stop coughing. In honor of the night I should have been out having, and those of you who will be drinking tonight, I am posting a list of interesting cocktails I’ve recently come across. Please feel free to add your own concoctions in the comments, and check back as I plan on adding to the list in the future. Now, for your drankin’ pleasure:

Bellini With A Kick (from www.jennsylvania.com)

• 1 part vodka
• 1 part St. Germain elderflower liqueur
• 1 part champagne
• 1 part white peach juice nectar

The Lilly Pad (from the Gramercy Park Hotel Rooftop Bar) – note: I have no idea what measurements we’re dealing with here, but I do know that this one is damn tasty.

• Tequila
• Lillet Blanc
• Lillet Rouge
• Apple Juice
• Touch of agave nectar

The following recipes are from www.drinknation.com:

The Panty Ripper (not to be confused with M’s patent pending “Panty Dropper”):

• 1 oz. coconut rum
• 1 tsp. cherry juice
• 2 oz. pineapple juice

Wanna Fuck?

• 2 oz. Curacao, blue
• 1 1/2 oz. Schnapps, peach
• 1 1/2 oz. Vodka
• 2 oz. Cranberry Juice
• 1 oz. Orange Juice
• 1 oz. Pineapple Juice

Get Laid:

• 2 oz. Curacao, blue
• 1 1/2 oz. Schnapps, peach
• 1 1/2 oz. Vodka
• 2 oz. Cranberry Juice
• 1 oz. Orange Juice
• 1 oz. Pineapple Juice

Superman:

• 1/3 oz. Rum, coconut
• 1/3 oz. Schnapps, peach
• 1/3 oz. Triple Sec
• 1 splash Grenadine
• Fill with Pineapple Juice

Dan The Weather:

• 1 1/2 oz. Vodka (Absolut)
• 1/2 oz. Liqueur, raspberry (Chambord)
• 7 oz. Cranberry Juice
• 7 oz. Pineapple Juice

Big Easy Martini (shout out, NOLA!!!):

• 1/2 oz. Liqueur, raspberry
• 1 1/2 oz. Southern Comfort
• 1 oz. 7-up
• 1 oz. Sour Mix

Pixie Sticks:

• 1 part Schnapps, peach
• 1 part Vodka, blueberry
• 1 part Cranberry Juice

Fruity Jungle Juice (this is a party favorite to be prepared in a big ass punch bowl):

• 1 fifth Everclear
• 1 fifth Sour Cherry Pucker
• 1 fifth Tequila, white
• 1/2 bottle Vodka
• Fruit Punch
• 2 chunks Apple
• 1 bottle Cherries/Maraschinos
• Grapes
• 1 chunk Pineapple
• Ice
• 3 chunks Oranges
• 3 whole (Cut into chunks) Pears

The Goddess:

• 1 oz. Southern Comfort
• 1 oz. Tequila, white
• 1 oz. Vodka
• To taste Orange Juice
• To taste Pineapple Juice

8 Ball:

• 4 oz. Vodka (Absolut)
• 4 oz. Liqueur, raspberry
• 4 oz. Rum, coconut (Malibu)
• 4 oz. Schnapps, peach (Puckers)
• 1 splash 7-up
• 1 1/2 oz. Cranberry Juice
• few drops Grenadine
• 1 1/2 oz. Sour Mix

Bar Slut (shut up!):

• 3 oz. Vodka
• 2 oz. 7-up
• 2 oz. Cranberry Juice
• 3 oz. Red Bull

Candy Cane-Tini:

• 1/2 oz. Schnapps, peppermint
• 1 oz. Vodka
• 1 piece (Mini candy cane) Candy

Cherry Popper:

• 1 shot Sour Apple Pucker
• 1 shot Sour Cherry Pucker
• 1 shot Vodka
• 1 splash 7-up
• Fill with Cranberry Juice

Crazy Jew (l’chaim!!!):

• 1/4 oz. Schnapps, blackberry (Black Haus)
• 1/4 oz. Schnapps, apple
• 1/4 oz. Schnapps, peach
• 1/4 oz. Vodka
• equal parts Cranberry Juice
• equal parts Orange Juice

Drag Queen With An Attitude:

• 1 oz. Vodka
• 4 oz. 7-up
• 3 dashes Cherry Juice
• 1 1/2 oz. Orange Juice

Girls’ Night:

• 1 part Hpnotiq
• 1 part Rum, coconut (Malibu)
• 1 part Sour Apple Pucker
• 1 part Vodka (Stolichnaya)
• 1 part Pineapple Juice
• 1 part Sour Mix

Sex On A Pool Table:

• 1 part Liqueur, melon (Midori)
• 1 part Schnapps, peach
• 1 part Vodka
• 1 part Pineapple Juice
• 1 part Sour Mix
• 1 whole Cherries/Maraschinos

Sex In A Jacuzzi:

• 2 oz. Schnapps, raspberry
• 2 oz. Vodka
• 1 oz. Cranberry Juice (Ocean Spray)
• 1 splash Orange Soda
• 1 oz. (unsweetened) Pineapple Juice
• 2 oz. Sprite
• 1 oz. Orange Juice (Tropicana)

Starry Night:

• 2 oz. Vodka (Absolut)
• 1 1/2 oz. Curacao, blue
• 4 oz. Lemonade

Titzilla:

• 1 oz. Rum, light
• 1 oz. Triple Sec
• 1 oz. Vodka
• 6 oz. 7-up
• 1 splash Grenadine
• 4 oz. Sour Mix

I haven’t tried all of these, and most of them were picked based on name alone, so please leave any feedback in the comments. Don’t drink and drive (or text or dial)!!!

Make it count!!!

As a child, and then as a teen, I couldn’t wait to turn 18. Oh, it wasn’t because of the military eligibility or the right to destroy my lungs legally, it was because I wanted to vote. Yes, I was one step away from being the kid in “The Breakfast Club” who creates a fake ID so as to cast his ballot. When I finally got my chance, it was glorious. I felt like part of the process, and damn was I proud to be an American (yes, a REAL American – fuck you, Psycho Sarah!).

Fast forward to the 2004 election. After the massive debacle of 2000, I thought it prudent to do all that I could to fight back against the forces that had thrust upon us the disaster that was the first term of the Bush presidency. As such, I volunteered for Voter Protection in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, an area that had been significantly targeted by fraudsters in 2000. Of course, as I was going to be in beautiful Reading, PA on Election Day, I had to get an absentee ballot. That’s where things went horribly, horribly wrong.

I took a train from the city to my suburban voting district and went to the Board of Elections to procure my ballot. I was told that as an “inactive” voter, I had been “purged” from the system. I wasn’t sure what was more shocking – the fact that they claimed I had been inactive (maybe they thought that my vote for Nader in 2000 meant I hadn’t voted at all) or the premise that one can be booted from the system despite having registered and having gone through all the proper channels. Aghast, I left the Board of Elections, mouth gaping, steam escaping from my ears, and likely looking like the female version of Bruce Banner as he transforms into the Incredible Hulk.

When I went into work the next day, my colleagues asked if I had voted. I told them the story, and they asked if I had filled out a provisional ballot. I said no, and that I had not been offered one. After some rather rudimentary research, I found that I was entitled to a provisional ballot at the very least, and that the Board had violated the law in not proferring one. Plans were then made for another schlep to the ‘burbs.

I went back that afternoon and demanded to speak with the person who was running the show. A bitchy blonde woman came to “help” me and I explained the situation. “Well, what do you want me to do about it,” she asked. I told her that I wanted the right to cast my vote, and she said I had no such right. I asked for a provisional ballot and she sneered. I asked why I had not been given one the previous day, and she had no response. I said, “Do you realize that you are in violation of federal law?” She said, “Yeah,” and literally THREW THE BALLOT IN MY FACE!!!

Needless to say, I was pissed. After exercising my freakin’ right, my next move was to contact my U.S. Representative. Her office was very helpful and an investigation was launched. The Board of Elections was informed that they had acted improperly and that they would need to follow procedure in the future.

As a former disenfranchised voter, I still find it bitterly ironic that I was going to protect other peoples’ rights, yet mine had been duly stomped upon. I raise the issue now, because this is still happening.

People, I implore you to be conscientious about this situation. The Bush administration has done whatever it could to erode them over these past 8 years, but you still have some rights, and they must be protected at all costs! Therefore, I hereby provide to you, courtesy of the Daily Kos, this handy-dandy guide to handling voting issues:

10 Commandments to help blunt efforts to steal or intimidate your vote.

Never allow intimidation!  Cast your ballot!

1. Call and make sure your voter registration is in order TODAY.  Fix problems by the end of the week.  Especially in swing states and states where GOP leadership has passed new ID laws.  Help the elderly in your area verify their rights to vote and help them get to the polls.

1. Bring copies of your birth certificate, SSI card, drivers license, and utility bill envelopes addressed to you at your address.  Also, bring someone who can vouch for who you are.

1. Make sure your Drivers License has your voting address on it.  Pay the fee and get it updated BEFORE NOVEMBER 4th.  This may not be necessary; however, it is becoming more important these days.

1. Verify the location of your voting booth.  Make sure you know of any last minute switch-a-roos.

1. Students – Vote Early!  Or get your stuff in order so you can vote.  Go home if your college is giving you problems.  Voting this year is really important enough to even miss a couple of days of school if you have to.

1. Report any/all efforts to intimidate voters in your area.

1. Bring a note pad and pencil and write down the names and descriptions of anyone giving you a hard time.  Also, bring a camera or cell phone and take their pictures.  Heck, video tape the whole thing.

1. Call your local TV stations if problems present themselves.  It’s amazing how people will back down if they think they will be on TV misbehaving.

1. Look for legal representatives that should be on site to insure a fair election.  VOTE!

1. NEVER BE RUDE OR ANGRY.  Be patient AND persistent.   Negative behavior will only harm all of us.  No matter how unfair and unjust your situation may become, win the hearts and minds of those who are giving you a hard time.  Invite them to walk in your shoes and ask them “If you were me right now, and your right to vote was being questioned, what would you do to fix the problem?”  Then ask them to help you fix your problem in that manner.  BE NICE!

Yet another voting bonus

People seem to love these things, so I am happy to report that everyone who displays an “I voted” sticker on Election Day gets a free special Krispy Kreme (a/k/a Kracky Kreme) donut.

All that sugar from the free Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and the Krispy Kreme donuts will keep you rolling well into the night to watch the returns come in. Fingers (and toes) crossed that this thing goes the right way!

Oh, and since it’s officially the 31st at the time of this writing, Happy Halloween!!! Be safe and rock out.

A quick blast of info

Long weekend, still recovering (thanks for a great party, L!!!). Just wanted to let you know about a program I’m volunteering for this week called Election Protection. It is a nationwide, non-partisan coalition designed to handle and record voting problems and voter questions. I encourage anyone with an issue involving voting, electioneering, polling, or related matters to PLEASE call 1.866.OUR VOTE (1.866.687.8683).

Oh, and by the way, Florida voters get free Starbucks coffee on Election Day! The rest of us will have to supply our own caffeine

Getting down to the wire…

Holy shit – it’s almost here!!! Just a quick reminder to double check your polling place and to call 1.866.OUR VOTE if you have any questions or problems related to voting. It’s a nationwide hotline, so call from any state and encourage others to do so as well.

No matter how you’re voting, this is going to be a historic election, so be sure to do your civic duty and exercise one of the most important rights we have as Americans. Remember: if you don’t vote, you’ve got NO right to bitch!!!

Oh, and good news for caffeine freaks – free tall brewed coffee at Starbucks for ALL voters (not just Floridians)! Happy buzz!!!

Vote For O, have an O!!!

Actually, it doesn’t matter who you voted for. As long as you did the deed, you can go to the NYC or Seattle locations of famed pleasure emporium Babeland from November 4th through November 11th and get yo’self a free sex toy. For the ladies, they are giving away the “Silver Bullet“, a tried and true classic. For the gents, the prize is, ahem, the “Maverick“. Show proof of voting or give them your “word of honor” that you cast your ballot and the freebie is yours. Fuck coffee, ice cream and donuts – this is the gift that keeps on giving!!! Rawr!!!

Well, that’s all folks! It’s in the stars now. I’m sitting at the edge of my seat, trying not to hyperventilate into a paper bag. As the Valium beckons from the medicine cabinet, I bid you bonsoir. Fingers (and toes) crossed!!!

Change we need, yes indeed!!!

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No need for that Valium tonight, baby!

As my people say, mazel tov Obama/Biden!

Tempered euphoria…I haz it

Everyone has that morning-after glow; it’s as if the whole country had the greatest sex of their life last night. Smiles are abundant. It’s a wonderful day for America.

However, let us not lose sight of the other decisions that were made on Election Day. Shame on you, Florida, Arizona and California voters who cast ballots of hate, for showing your true (bigoted) colors and denouncing the gays as second-class citizens. I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it again: separate but equal is never equal. Call it a civil union, a domestic partnership or whatever you will, it’s simply not the same as marriage, and that is a right you have callously stripped away from people who just want to express their love and commitment in the same way that you do.

I often wonder about people who so demonize same-sex marriage and hypothesize what they would do in the event that they produced a gay child.

• Would they love and support that child and his/her right to marry unconditionally? If so, then they’d be acting hypocritically with respect to the position that they preach. Now I’m not saying that people can’t change, and if they change for the better, then great, but shouldn’t they be respectful of all people, whether or not they’re related?
• Would they reject the child outright? If so, that flies in the face of that whole “unconditional love” thing that is the foundation of the notion of family values.
• A third, and unfortunately all too common situation: would they make it so difficult for that child to live and love as the true person that they are that the child must stay closeted for years, if not for life? Statistically, gay teens have a massively higher rate of depression and suicide, mainly because they are forced to live a lie. Any good parent would never want to make their own child suffer, yet so many people are so deeply entrenched in what they think their religion, society or community is telling them is right that they can’t see how much they hurt their loved ones.

One hopes, for the sake of our nation’s future, that people will eventually wise up and realize that gay doesn’t equal threat, and that love is love.

On a brighter note, some good things happened in several states:

• Voters in Washington state brought respect to the polls by legalizing physician-assisted suicide for terminally ill patients. If only the other states would follow suit, we’d have no more Terri Schiavo debacles and would let people maintain their dignity through and after their passing.
• Anti-abortion measures in South Dakota, Colorado and California failed, which is a giant sigh of relief for the ladies of those states and the men who fuck them.
• Michigan legalized the use of medical marijuana. This makes Michigan the 13th state to allow for the use of cannabis to relieve the painful symptoms of for patients suffering from a variety of chronic ailments.
• Massachusetts decriminalized possession of less than an ounce of weed (road trip to Boston!!!). Instead of facing criminal penalties, people caught with under an ounce will be subject to a $100 fine and forfeiture of said weed (thus guaranteeing severe munchies for staties and cops throughout Mass).

So I guess the moral of the story is this: while the events of last night produced historic and mostly positive results, we’ve gotta keep on keepin’ on in making sure that one day, the same historic advances can be blessed upon all Americans.

A shout out to Michelle Obama

Girrrrrrl…we gotta talk. First of all, congratulations. You are an amazing woman with a fantastic family and are very much an inspiration. You will make a wonderful First Lady. In order for that to happen, your hubby needs to be inaugurated, and I trust that you will look impeccable as he does so. However, based on your choice of attire at his historic and beautiful victory speech at Grant Park, I am gravely concerned. You’ve often proven that you have great taste, but the member of your “glamour team” responsible for fashion deserves a smack upside the head for that getup. The Narciso Rodriguez dress, standing alone, would have passed muster had it not been altered from its original runway form (which had a shorter bodice). I can understand lengthening it to appear more First Ladylike, but that wasn’t the only problem. Perhaps there was a chill in the air, perhaps in all the excitement you forgot to wax/shave/laser under your guns, but whatever the reason, covering up with that cardigan-shrug hybrid was a grievous error. It added frump, and you are not frumpy. So, since your stylist seems to have taken leave of his/her senses (which should open up a vacancy, in which case, call me!!!), I humbly offer my suggestions for Inaugural Ball redemption. There’s gonna be a lot of partying going down, and you’ll need a fresh dress for each event. In no particular order, here is my well-researched take on designers that would make you shine like the star that you are:

• Marchesa
• Vera Wang
• Elie Saab
• Carmen Marc Valvo
• Carolina Herrera
• Monique Lhuillier
• Badgley Mischka
• Reem Acra
• Thakoon (just make sure you don’t get into a Thakoon rut – he’s done well by you, but variety is the spice of life)
• Richard Tyler
• Valentino
• Korto from Project Runway
• Rami from Project Runway
• Narciso Rodriguez (it’s not his fault that the Grant Park outfit went bad – most of his designs are spectacular and would suit you to a T)

For the actual inauguration suit, you can’t beat a classic: Chanel all the way.

Makeup-wise, you’re always stunning, but everyone could use a discount at the facepaint emporium that is Sephora. That’s why I’m happy to pass along to you (and all of my lovely readers) the 20% off code that is valid from November 6th through 11th: FF2008. Note: the code is only valid online.

You go girl!

Crazy people

Just finished watching a pretty amazing (and really fucked up) documentary on MSNBC called “Witness to Jonestown”. For those not familiar with the murders and mass suicide that occurred in Guyana in 1978, I highly recommend that you take a look at this piece. It’s the situation that created the phrase “drinking the Kool Aid” (since followers were instructed to kill themselves by drinking cyanide-laced punch) and is quite telling. More so, however, is the similarity that I see to Jim Jones and some of the fundamentalist evangelicals out there today like James Dobson and Fred Phelps. Their Kool Aid is hate speech, and people are drinking it left and right. Pretty scary, folks.

You know who else is crazy and scary? Mormons. This is a people who funded 70% of the “Yes on Prop 8″ movement in California. I still don’t understand how same-sex marriage is a threat to anyone, but to provide such vehement support for a measure whose only purpose is to strip away others’ rights is truly baffling. This is a people who, because of their own practice of polygamy, had to move west and form their own state (Utah). It is only within the last century that this practice was outlawed in the official church doctrine, so maybe they are bitter that they can no longer ad wife after wife to their respective broods, but to me, they should be more sympathetic to non-traditional practices. Equally disturbing is the fact that the the Church of Latter Day Saints (puhleeze) have been and continue to attempt posthumous conversion of Holocaust victims to Mormonism. Are you fucking kidding me? I only recently found out about this situation, and I am simply dumbfounded by it. It’s not often that I’m speechless, but…

On a lighter, but no less crazy, note, I present to you a personal story of sheer nuttiness. For years, our family has split a partial season ticket package to Yankee games along with a group of family friends. The tickets are in another dude’s name, and for as long as this arrangement has been in place, we pay him in full for the package, and we get all of the tickets in return. However, this year saw a whole new ball of wax. Ostensibly because this was the last year the Bombers would be playing inthe House That Ruth Built, the guy with the seats took it upon himself to gank several sets of tickets (premium games, mind you) without paying for them, giving us notice, or even asking if we were all cool with it. As we had already paid in full for the entire ticket package, we were not at all cool with this. Since he had literally taken possession of the tickets in question before turning over the rest to us, there was little we could do other than demand our rightful money back for the lost games. By the end of the season, we had seen no cash come our way. As the designated lawyer and writer of strongly worded letters, I sent him such a letter over a month and a half ago. I recently received the response below. It’s a doozy…enjoy:

***

My apologies for not responding earlier, BUT THAT IS ALL I APOLOGIZE
FOR.  Your  communique made me so angry I was ready to go for the
throat, verbally, with the 2 so called “partners” you mentioned on 9/29/08.  I decided
to let cooler heads prevail (mostly mine).  Forward this message to
all involved.  Let them know I never REALLY got over the Aaron Boone
game, then we can take it from there.

To put this in street parlance, I feel the two supposed gentleman you
mentioned “played” me for the benefit of themselves, their families,
their friends.

SOME of the accusations and details you brought up are BLATANTLY
false, MOST INACCURATE at best.

Where I come from as a Southern gentleman and scholar, when I help
someone it is implied  that they offer something back without me
having to ask. Obviously it doesn’t work that way up here.

It depends on how far you want to take this; I still have the ticket
rights for next year and am considering renewing.  I WILL MAINTAIN THE
CONTROL OF THOSE TICKETS OR GIVE THEM UP ENTIRELY.   You and you alone
I would consider as a partner; one of the two gentleman you mentioned
is OUT completely – I will let THEM figure out who that is.

Bottom line is those two tried to “play” each other, as well as me.
Never trust someone who is a narcotics addict, or thinks that
extramarital sex is OK    You will end up hurt or embarrassed.  I will
leave it at that.

If you or they want to continue the discussion I look forward to that.

SINCERELY,

[redacted]
Southern Gentleman and Scholar

P.S. –  if you don’t vote for OB, be he Muslim or not, someone is playing YOU!

***

Can you say batshit insane??? Footnote: this response was forwarded to our entire ticket group, and not one member knew what the hell this guy was talking about in any single one of his rambling references. Judge Judy, here we come!!!

Miss me?

There hasn’t been much to blog about on my end lately, but I’m back. I have to say from the start that this isn’t going to be a happy post.

I take the opportunity to volunteer for every pro bono project that comes my way. I feel that it’s important, not only because it does a lot of people a lot of good, but that it breaks up the monotony of my otherwise boring and repetitive work life. My most recent project involves assisting Holocaust survivors in filling out applications for reparations from a German government program. We’re helping out people who lived and worked in the ghettos before being deported to concentration camps or elsewhere. It’s clearly an emotionally draining yet fascinating project, and I have become passionate about it. I’ve only been speaking with these people for a few days, but every survivor I speak to has such a moving story that it has sunk in really deep rather quickly.

My last call of the day was with an 86 year old Polish man. From the second he answered the phone, I could tell that it was going to be an incredible conversation. It was. He had lived in one of the largest ghettos in Poland as a teenager, and was shipped off to several concentration camps after the ghetto was liquidated. He told me about what he saw, what he experienced, what he felt. He told me about how while digging graves for the bodies of his fellow prisoners, a Nazi put a pistol to the head of a three year old girl playing in the sand, pulled the trigger, and forced my client to undress and bury her. He told me about how he was forced to dig graves, bury corpses, only to to be told that the graves weren’t deep enough, forced to dig the bodies back up and create a shallower pit. He told me about the death march he was forced to take. Did he have me in tears? You bet your ass he did.

I though about this man the whole way home. I thought about blogging the experience, but I didn’t want to get all depressy. Then, upon arriving at home, I’ll be damned if the next DVR’d 90210 episode on the list wasn’t the one where Andrea Zuckerman’s grandmother was a survivor of Buchenwald and the kids have to deal with that in the context of the arrival of a Holocaust denier on campus. I took it as a sign.

Yes, the dude on BH was fictitious, but it’s amazing that there really are lunatics out there (like Ahmadinejad) who still refuse to acknowledge that this happened. You simply can’t make this shit up. Millions of people aren’t collectively crafty enough to conspiriatorally invent such similar, horrific experiences. Obviously these denial maniacs are in the minority, but that doesn’t make them any less dangerous.

The scary part of this is that it’s not all that distant in our past, but it’s still happening. I hope that the change we needed (and got, thank Jeebus) makes a much more concerted effort than this past douchebag administration has to stop the genocide in Darfur. If we can wage a bullshit war over oil, we can definitely step in to help resolve a genocide. We can also take the courageous step that FDR didn’t when he failed to help the Jews upon learning of Hitler’s machinations. Believe it or not, we can restore respect around the world, the respect reflected by my survivor client in the final minutes of our discussion:

CLIENT: Are you religious?

ME: No, sir.

CLIENT: I wasn’t either. You know how they are waiting for the Messiah, the Jews?

ME: Yes, sir.

CLIENT: For me, the Messiah came On May 6, 1945. The Messiah was in those American soldiers. A few more weeks, and I would have been dead.

At the risk of turning this into something about me, I have to say that all of this does make me want to put things in perspective. All of the bullshit that I constantly bitch about seems so trivial next to the monumental difficulties and horrors these people have lived through. I can’t tell you how many times throughout our conversation my client asked me, “Can you imagine?” No sir, I really cannot.

Most evenings, I get annoyed if I don’t get a seat on the train. Today, as I stood there and looked around for a non-existent seat, the first thing that came to my mind was, “At least this train isn’t taking me to a death camp.” I’m still waiting for the chills to subside…

Short but sweet (just like me)

Quit snickering – I can be sweet. I’ve really been dragging ass with the blogging lately, but I’ll be back up to speed from now on. However, this post won’t have a lot of substance because it’s late, I’m tired, and I’m hauling my ass to the gym early in the morning (for the second day in a row!) so as to avoid peak douchebaggery at the pool. Wait until after work and you end up sharing a lane with 3 people, including the old lady who refuses to put her head in the water and is slowing everyone down, the kickboarder who doesn’t quite get the hang of it all just yet, and the ultimate pool tool: the incessant splasher. Memo to splasher: you are not Michael Phelps, and you never will be. Kick me again while trying to do an ill-fated flip turn, and I’ll make Jaws look like a goldfish up in that bitch.

Anyhoo, since I’m so clearly in the holiday spirit (I actually am, previous diatribe notwithstanding), I thought I’d pass along some info on sales/bargains/etc. that have come to my attention.

First up, your guide to the secular shopaholic’s Christmas/birthday rolled into one: yes folks, I’m talkin’ ’bout Black Friday. There’s a handy website out there that’s tracking sales and specials at nationwide stores, so check it before you set that agenda and throw on your steel-toed boots to kick the bejesus out of that woman who wants to wrestle you for that last 75% off TSE cashmere sweater.

http://www.black-friday.net/

Next up is coupons. Don’t be afraid to use ‘em.

Online coupons

• Alternative Apparel 40% Off coupon CEF183. Expires: 11.26.08
• Kiehl’s: 20% off Coupon FAMILY. Expires 12.1.08.
• Land’s End: 20% Off Coupon SHARE with pin 00008692.
• New York & Co: 30% Off coupon 9815. Expires: 11.26.08
• Ralph Lauren: 30% off coupon HOL2008. Expires: 12.8.08
• Rugby: 30% off coupon HOL2008. Expires: 12.8.08
• Stila Cosmetics: 20% off coupon and free shipping on orders of $30+ Coupon ECYX12. Expires 12.16.08
  

Printable/in-store coupons:

• Kiehl’s: 20% off – go here for printable coupon (thanks, Makeup Girl!)
• New York & Co printable 30% Off coupon. Expires: 11.26.08

I’ll be updating the site with more of these as I learn of them, so check back in. And of course, if you don’t feel like doing the shopping yourself, leave it to a pro and holla at ya girl.

Hot damn, it’s Christmastime!

Hope everyone had an enjoyable, if not boozy Thanksgiving. Now it’s time for the real fun to begin! The Christmas season need not be filled with fatal Black Friday-type stampedes (one more example of the pure evil that is Wal-Mart), but the stress does pile on, leading many to lose their ever-lovin’ minds. If I may, I’d like to share with you some tips for getting through this holiday season. Behold:

• When on a long, crowded line and in a hurry, spontaneously develop a loud and obnoxious coughing fit and direct it to the person in front of you. Perhaps they’ll let you go ahead of them, or even leave the line in disgust. Either way, you’re movin’ on up! Repeat as necessary until you make your way through the line and have completed your transaction.
• Load some calming, soothing music on your iPod. Serenity now. You’ll thank me later.
• Keep the iPod on whilst shopping. It makes the unwashed masses so much easier to avoid, particularly over-aggressive salespeople and merciless perfume/cologne sprayers. The bonus: if you aren’t partial to Christmas music, you’ll be able to easily drown out the holiday classics that repeat on a continuous loop throughout each store.
• Bring that iPod along with you to the family festivities. It’ll come in handy when asked to perform manual labor, menial tasks, and requests to listen to the same goddamn stories over and over again.
• Drink heavily. Prepare a cocktail in an opaque beverage bottle (I like the Sigg stainless steel model) whenever you leave the house. It really takes the edge off when dealing with maddening crowds and moronic tourists.
• Smile. It provides for a cheery facade while your internal monologue repeatedly tells pushy shoppers and sidewalk cloggers to go fuck themselves. (N.B. The drinking will help with this one.)
• If you detest shopping completely (sacrilege!) or simply want to do some good, consider making donations to your pet causes in lieu of gifts. Just be sure not to pull a George Costanza…make sure your charity actually exists.
• If you simply can’t bear the crowds, shop online. It’s a great way to procrastinate at work (just don’t let your boss catch you), and you can bang out most, if not all of your gifting without getting out of your seat. Here’s a website that constantly offers sales on designer goods (free membership required): http://www.ideeli.com/in/invitation?invitation=d6b8eg
• Be sure to get gift receipts. If people don’t like what you got them, fuck ‘em. Those bitches can go stand on the endless return line themselves.
• Ready yourself with emergency supplies to be kept on hand at all times. I recommend Valium.

Most importantly, enjoy the season. When you look past the frenzied nature of life until after the New Year, it’s really a pretty time to be out and about. Lights are twinkling, bells are jingling, and life is good. Soak it in – it’ll be grey and slushy soon enough.

Get out your tasers…it’s sample sale mania

In these troubled economic times, we are being bombarded with more offers, specials and deals than we have ever seen before. My advice: milk them for all they’re worth! A great way to explore the sales is to bring along a personal shopper who can throw elbows on your behalf and dig for the best deals at the stores you love. As always, my services are available and you should feel free to contact me if you are interested in letting someone else do the dirty work.

Below you will find an aggregate list of NYC sample sales sorted by date. Don’t blame me if you go broke…I’m just the messenger:

· Virtual sale: Farantino Designer Handbags (40% off Gucci, Fendi, Prada, Alexander McQueen, Dolce & Gabbana…)
BY INVITATION ONLY
Call 866.890.1241 for invitation access code
· Dec. 6 – Dec. 7: Catherine Holstein (90% off retail prices)
213 W 35^th St (bw/ 7^th and 8^th Ave), 7^th Floor
Sat, 10am – 6pm; Sun, noon – 6pm
*CASH OR CHECK ONLY*
· Dec. 7 – Dec. 11: Frette (up to 80% off bed, bath, accessories…)
Soiffer Haskin – 317 W 33^rd St (just west of 8^th Ave)
Sun – Wed, 9am – 6:30pm; Thurs, 9am – 5pm
718.747.1656
· Dec. 8 – Dec. 10: Edite Showroom (dresses and bags start at $50)
134 W 29^th St (b/w 6^th and 7^th Ave), Studio 709
10am – 7pm daily
· Dec. 8 – Dec. 11: Alice + Olivia
261 W 36^th St (b/w 7^th and 8^th Ave), 2^nd Floor
Mon/Wed, 10am – 6pm; Tues/Thurs, 10am – 7pm
· Dec. 8 – Dec. 12: Minnie Rose (50-80% off cashmere)
264 W 40^th St (b/w 7^th and 8^th Ave), 15^th Floor
10am – 6pm daily
212.575.5766
· Dec. 8 – Dec. 12: Vivienne Westwood
Scatola Showroom – 544 W 27^th St (b/w 7^th and 8^th Ave), 6^th Floor
10am – 8pm daily
212.371.2777 ext. 326
· Dec. 8 – Dec. 12: Prairie New York
250 W 39^th St (b/w 7^th and 8^th Ave), Suite 404
11am – 7pm daily
212.391.4700
*CASH ONLY*
· Dec. 9 – Dec. 11: Lauren Merkin (up to 70% off bags, clutches…)
231 W 29^th St (b/w 7^th & 8^th Ave), Suite 201
11am – 7pm daily
212.239.2459
· Dec. 9 – Dec. 13: Diane Von Furstenberg
260 Fifth Ave (b/w 28^th and 29^th St)
Tues, 9am – 6:30pm
Wed, 9am – 8pm
Thurs, 9am – 7pm
Fri, 9am – 5:30pm
Sat, 9am – 3pm
· Dec. 10 – Dec. 11: The Globe Showroom
263 W 38^th St (b/w 7^th and 8^th Ave)
Noon – 7pm daily
· Dec. 10 – Dec. 12: Catherine Malandrino (up to 75% off)
145 W 18^th St (b/w 6^th and 7^th Ave)
Wed, 8am – 8pm; Thurs/Fri, 10am – 8pm
· Dec. 10 – Dec. 12: Furla Handbags and Shoes (first ever sample sale)
552 7^th Ave (b/w 39^th and 40^th St), 5^th Floor
10am – 6:30pm daily
· Dec. 10 – Dec. 12: By Francine
231 W 39^th St (b/w 7^th and 8^th Ave), Room 602
Wed/Thurs, 10am – 6pm, Fri, 10am – 7pm
· Dec. 11 – 12: Nanette Lepore (50% and more on dresses, pants, shoes…)
225 W 35^th St (near 7^th Ave), 9^th Floor
9am – 6pm daily
212.764.8810
· Dec. 11 – Dec. 12: Proenza Schouler
120 Walker Street (b/w Centre and Baxter St), 6^th Floor
9am – 6pm daily
· Dec. 11 – Dec. 13: Alexander Wang
386 Broadway (b/w Walker and White St), 6^th Floor
Thurs, 3pm – 7pm; Fri/Sat, 10am – 7pm
· Dec. 11 – Dec. 13: Iisli
25 Bond St (b/w Bowery and Lafayette St)
11am – 8pm daily
· Dec. 11 – Dec. 13: Julie Haus and VPL
39 W 38^th St (b/w 5^th and 6^th Ave)
11am – 7pm daily
· Dec. 13 ONLY: Vera Wang Bridal and Bridesmaids
New Yorker Hotel – 481 8^th Ave (corner of 34^th St)
9am – 5pm
· Dec. 13 – Dec. 17: TSE (up to 80% off cashmere)
Soiffer Haskin – 317 W 33^rd St (just west of 8^th Ave)
9am – 7pm daily
718.747.1656
· Dec. 17 – Dec. 21: Tory Burch
261 W 36^th St (b/w 7^th and 8^th Ave), 2^nd Floor
Wed/Thurs, 10am – 7pm; Fri, 10am – 6pm; Sat/Sun, 11am – 5pm
· Dec. 19 – Dec. 21: Carolina Herrera
Soiffer Haskin – 317 W 33^rd St (just west of 8^th Ave)
9am – 6:30pm daily
718.747.1656

N.B.: There is some false information going around about a whole bunch of sales, including many of the ones listed above. I diligently checked each one before posting it so that I could pass on accurate information, and I did not post any sales that I could not verify. If you have received e-mail forwards alerting you to a whole mess of sales, you might want to cross check them with those listed above, as well as with the following info that I got from companies that were listed in e-mails but aren’t even having sample sales. Behold:

· Balenciaga: NEVER has sample sales. Their ready-to-wear and shoes are 40% off through the holidays, but their fabulous Motorcycle bag is not now nor will it be on sale.

· Blue and Cream: Both locations are on sale through the holidays – no sample sale.

· Stella McCartney: 40% off fall and winter merchandise through Jan. 31 – no sample sale.

A note of caution for you sample sale rookies: stay sharp. I will never forget the time that I took a possibly misdirected upper cut to the face over a bag at a Kate Spade sample sale. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to buy the bag, but as I came up from the swarm of people that descended upon the box from which the items were being unpacked and took a shot to the mug, I decided that no matter what, I would need to purchase the bag just so that the C-U-Next-Tuesday who had popped me didn’t get her overly aggressive hands on it. So sample sale-ing virgins beware: it’s a jungle out there. Kill or be killed. Happy shopping!

A hearty mazel tov

Despite the fact that they screwed the proverbial pooch this afternoon, the Burress-less Giants managed to capture the NFC East today, thanks to the equally shitty play of Dallas (making it that much sweeter). Congrats, fellas. Just one request from your faithful fans: don’t anybody else shoot themselves in the leg. Thx.

A thing of beauty

Sometimes, when it is least expected, something priceless materializes in front of you and there is no real way to truly appreciate it without sharing it with others. Readers, this morning was one of those times.

I was running extremely late for work, which resulted in the rare opportunity to snag a seat on the 4 train. As I settled in on the straggler express and readied my copy of Vanity Fair for perusal, a woman sat down next to me and pulled a paper out of her purse. Because I am both nosy and easily distracted, I peered over to see what she was reading. At that moment, it was as if a beacon of light had shone from the surface of the document, and it was glorious. I felt a tear well up in the corner of my eye (although that could have been easily attributed to the pungent stink of B.O. emanating from the gentleman sitting directly to my right). What was this precious paper, you ask? It was an MTA Employee Disciplinary Action Form.

Though I was not able to fully digest the entire account of this woman’s apparent misdeed, I was able to note that she was in fact a subway worker. It got me thinking about who this woman was and what she might have done to deserve such a reprimand. Perhaps she was one of the helpful laborers who shouts incomprehensible announcements into the station loudspeaker each day. Maybe she was one of the many ambitious booth workers who sleeps through their shift and refuses to dispense MetroCards to weary commuters. Perchance she was a conductor, one of the fearless transport workers who each day drives a train that stops short at every possible occasion, thus lurching already irate passengers into each other, and holding up trains and causing delays whilst instructing trapped and recourse-less riders to “please be patient.” Whomever she was, bitch got written up and I could not have been happier about it.

True, I do not know who this woman was, what her offense might have been, or even if managment’s story was accurate. What I was jazzed about was the fact that somewhere along the line, someone at the MTA thought about accountability for a brief, shining moment. Of course, this isn’t to say that the MTA Board or the higher-ups would ever take responsibility for the shittiness of their operation or the fact that a mere few years after they experienced a massive budget surplus we are once again being faced with service cuts and fare hikes, but it was something. It was a glimmer of hope that maybe someday, in my lifetime or beyond, the powers that be at the MTA will pull their heads out of their collective asses and do things right. I won’t hold my breath.

Stand clear of the closing doors.

I’d rather be in Bedford Falls, but NYC will do

Yikes! I didn’t realize how long it’s been since my last post. This one isn’t going to be any kind of sequel to “War and Peace” – just a quick shout out to say happy holidays to all. I, the Christmas-obsessed yet 100% secular Jew, will be volunteering at a soup kitchen on the big day, and I hope that you, dear readers, will take some time out for the less fortunate, be it on Christmas Day or otherwise. Do it for the karma, do it for the warm fuzzy feeling, do it for your own personal reasons – just do it. Merry, merry.

A very happy new year

This is the post I had planned on for yesterday but forgot to put up on this here blog:

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Viacom and Time Warner Cable are currently at a stalemate, and the result of their unproductive bargaining means that a ton of channels will be stripped from cable packages as of tomorrw. This, my dear readers, is horseshit. I, for one, will be devastated by the loss of Comedy Central, MTV (don’t judge – I love me some unreality TV), LOGO (face it – the gays do everything better), TV Land, Nick at Nite, and more. Give me a damn break. How much is digital cable again? Oh, that’s right – over $130 per month. Can you honestly tell me that isn’t enough to cover some staple networks? I think not. Get it together, assholes.

Well, I am thrilled to report that my telepathic powers worked and that upon waking up this morning (ok, this afternoon) I found that the dispute had been settled. As I took a commercial break from football, I clicked over to a “Brady Bunch” re-run and for one brief second, flashed on the possibility tat it would be blacked out, but upon seeing Florence Henderson’s ridonkulous hair in all its glory, I knew that all was right with the world.

Hope you all had a wonderful celebration last night and that you got home safe and sound. Happy New Year!!!

Bird is the word

It’s been so long since my last post, I don’t know where to begin. It has been what seems like the busiest week of my life. Everyone has those times where it feels like you never stop running from place to place and eventually you just have to crash. I’m still catching up on sleep, but I cannot forsake this poor blog any longer. NYC got dumped with snow yesterday, and though it looked pretty while falling, it definitely slowed things down. That didn’t prevent a pretty pruductive day, though. I was able to participate in a mini law school reunion with some friends I see all the time and one that I haven’t seen since just after graduation. A good time was had by all, and I haven’t laughed that much in ages. The afternoon and evening were spent filming my video entry for “The Biggest Loser” (thanks J!). I expect that when (not if) I make it on the show, that you, my dear readers, will comprise my initial fan club. I’m counting on you! Today involves a huge Giants game, some domestic duties, and a refusal to get dressed beyond sweatpants (too cold in my apartment today to exercise my usual pants-optional Sunday policy). This week should be more reasonable, so I’ll hopefully have some more time to blog. Any topical suggestions can be left in the comments. Enjoy the remainder of the weekend, y’all!

P.S. I realize that the title of this post has nothing to do with anything I wrote, but I’ve been repetitively watching what could only be described as one of the funniest “Family Guy” sequences ever, and it’s still playing on a loop in my head. “Family Guy” + “Office Space” = comedy gold.

UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!

Fuuuuuuuuuck. No way that just happened. Ineptitude, today thy name is Eli. I believe that now is the time to follow the immortal words of one Mr. Blutarski: “My advice: start drinking heavily.”

Here’s what I don’t get…

Don’t birds fly, like all the time? Is that not what they do all day long? Am I missing something here? My question is, how the fuck do they not notice a freaking airplane coming straight at them? Are these suicidal birds? Are they depressed about the economy? Have they recently gone through a breakup? Do their parents not understand them? Do they feel they have nowhere else to turn? That is the only explanation I can come up with as to why these ornithological creatures would ignore their exponentially larger manmade winged brethren in the sky and go for broke right into the engines kamikaze-style. I’m not planning on losing any sleep over it, but birds: you are on notice. You’re giving the animal kingdom a bad name with this nonsense. Straighten up and fly right (I couldn’t help myself).

Real reality TV

OK, it’s reality via YouTube, but it’s a must-watch. It pretty much sums up what they won’t seem to say in the mainstream media about the terrorists that run the Palestinian government and their hideous and deceptive actions which led to the current situation in Gaza. I don’t think it makes me any less of a liberal to side against Hamas, even though for some reason support for Israel seems to be construed as a right-wing position. I welcome comments from all perspectives.

A shout out to my preppy folks…

It’s the J. Crew sale! Always fun, always a zoo. Enjoy.
261 W 36th Street
(between 7th & 8th Ave)

January 20 – January 25

Tuesday	10:00 am – 7:00 pm
Wednesday	10:00 am – 6:00 pm
Thursday	10:00 am – 7:00 pm
Friday	10:00 am – 6:00 pm
Saturday	11:00 am – 5:00 pm
Sunday	11:00 am – 5:00 pm

J. Crew sample sale information

• for Women, Men & Kids
• clothing & accessories
• some stock, mostly samples

Dressing rooms will be closed for the duration of this sample sale.  Our entrance and selling floor closes up to 1/2 hour prior to close of store.

Ohmygoditsalmosthere

Just over 12 hours until our 8 year national nightmare is over!!!!! It’s gonna be hard to sleep tonight…

P.S. Is it wrong to revel in the schadenfreude that comes with the news that the dickiest Dick of them all pulled a back muscle while (finally) moving out and will have to attend the inauguration in a wheelchair? Considering the number of people that were wounded and killed as a result of his lies and evil, I think not. Good riddance, douche.

Nina Simone put it best

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
Its a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good…

It’s a new America!!! Happy Inauguration Day!!!

Crazy people…part deux

I know you were all on pins and needles waiting for the outcome of the Yankee ticket drama. If you don’t recall the saga, do yourself a favor and refresh your memory…you won’t regret it. Unfortunately, our original quest to take this litigation to Judge Joe Brown was squashed by a producer who stated ours was a “slam dunk” case that wouldn’t make for good TV. However, I am pleased to report that after a trip to the Bronx Small Claims Court, the “Southern Gentleman and Scholar” has been defeated, as the arbitrator ruled in our favor. What this means is that this mothereffer owes us the money in question, plus costs. No big shocker there. Given the fact that he didn’t bother to show up for court, collecting should prove to be a challenge. In the event that he refuses to pay, we’ll need to hire a marshal to go after his ass, and the cost of said marshal will be SGS’ responsibility as well. If that doesn’t work, y’all might be recruits in a shakedown operation. Details to follow.

This one’s for the ladies

DISCLAIMER!!! If you have a penis, it’s not likely that you’ll find this post informative, useful, or interesting in the slightest. In fact, it’s probably TMI as far as what you need or want to know. Consider yourself warned.

Now that the housekeeping’s out of the way, let’s talk about waxing. Girls, it has become our burden as women to trim, pluck, thread, Epilady, and otherwise engage in torturous methods of hair removal on various parts of the body. Of course, the most egregious manifestation of this phenomenon is the Brazilian wax. Setting aside for a moment the natural processes that we chicas go through and that men get to avoid (the monthly visit from Aunt Flo, squeezing something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a grape, back issues because of “the girls”, etc.), we have allowed ourselves to surrender to a cadre of insufferable habits and procedures are female-exclusive and do not come from Mother Nature. Do men wear heels? Oh, please. Do males spend massive amounts of time and money on makeup and skin products, highlights and hair products? Give me a break. Do the fellas make any attempt to clean up the pubes, chest, back, arm, eyebrow, or any other hair other than that on their noggin? Fuck and no. Yet we empowered women of the 21st century continue to engage in these primping exercises on a regular basis.

That being said, it is what it is (or at least what it has become). Because it was looong overdue (by whose standards, I’m not quite sure), I went for an organic Brazilian today. Usually, I try to pre-empt the excruciating pain with LMX-4, a hard to find numbing creme (and yes, I am fully aware that I’m a complete pussy). Unfortunately, the concoction was not in my desk drawer as I thought it was when I booked my appointment, so I went in totally vulnerable. Luckily, I stumbled upon THE BEST WAXER IN THE WORLD!!! Allow me to introduce you to Lisa (pronounced Lissa), the wonderful Russian lady who did an amazingly thorough, swift, and empathetic job. She works at a small, unassuming salon called Confidence (located on 3rd Avenue between 22nd and 23rd Streets), and a big plus about this place is that you can set appointments through Lifebooker at significant discounts. Best of all, Lisa did not show me the fruits of her labor, i.e. the muslin strips full of wax and hair. I cannot conceive of a situation where and why an aesthetician would think this was appropriate or of interest to the client, but it has happened to me at many a wax. Lisa, ever the pro, refrained from this behavior and in so doing, racked up tons of bonus points.

Despite Lisa’s prowess, I still found the need to distract myself as much as possible. Enter the iPod. As I flipped through songs, I thought it would be a good train-ride-home project to compile a soundtrack for this very occasion. Behold the waxing playlist:

Start it off with one of these gems:

“Ready Or Not” by The Fugees

“Take It Off” by The Donnas

“I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor

“Welcome To The Jungle” by Guns n’ Roses

If you’re wise enough to have applied some LMX-4 or similar, go with this:

“Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd

Breathe, and continue with these:

“Wild Honey Pie” by The Beatles

“When It Hurts So Bad” by Lauryn Hill

“Wide Open Spaces” by the Dixie Chicks

“Patience” by Guns ‘n Roses

“Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” by Culture Club

“Back That Ass Up” by Juvenile

“Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot

“Any Way You Want It” by Journey

“Dry Your Eyes” by The Streets

“Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks

“I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy

“I Wanna Be Sedated” by The Ramones

“It Can’t Come Quickly Enough” by Scissor Sisters

“Land Down Under” by Men At Work

“No Woman, No Cry” by Bob Marley and The Wailers

“Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn” by The White Stripes

“Relax, Take It Easy” by Mika

“What Is And What Should Never Be” by Led Zeppelin

“It’s Not Right But It’s Okay” by Whitney Houston

“Fast As You Can” by Fiona Apple

“Don’t Leave Me This Way” by Thelma Houston

If you’re getting a sugar wax, you obviously want to include this:

“Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard

When you start to reflect on men and how much they suck for not waxing themselves, try these:

“Goodbye Earl” by the Dixie Chicks

“Hey Fuck You” by the Beastie Boys

“Knock ‘Em Out” by Lily Allen

“U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer

“What Is It About Men” by Amy Winehouse

When it’s all over, treat yourself to these:

“Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley

“Cool It Down” by the Velvet Underground

“Heal The Pain” by George Michael

Now you’re done, and you are the most amazing woman alive! Go ahead and bust these out:

“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred

“Hot Stuff” by Donna Summer

“I’m Coming Out” by Diana Ross

“Filthy/Gorgeous” by Scissor Sisters

“Foxy Lady” by Jimi Hendrix

“I’m Free” by The Who

“Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin

“You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate

“Song 2″ by Blur

***

Godspeed, ladies. Have a drink – you’ve earned it!

Whole lotta love

I’ve just got to say that I am touched and humbled by the wonderful feedback you gorgeous, talented, brilliant readers have been sending my way. If y’all keep reading, I’ll keep writing. I post kind of sporadically, but will continue to try and pick up the pace as ideas flow through me. In the meantime, please feel free to suggest topics and post comments. It’s great to hear other perspectives and input.

For right now, I only have little snippets of things to say. Firstly, open house type parties never get old. Take some kickass Venezuelan food, an adorable house, and fun people, along with a lovely hostess, and you get the party I went to on Saturday in Connecticut. It’s a bonus to get out of the city and not go directly to another city, but rather to places with freestanding homes and driveways that need to be plowed by heavy duty industrial vehicles. This trip to the country, however, was an experience that none of us in the car had ever faced before. We missed our street, and were driving pretty slowly to find a place to turn around. The car behind us pulled up alongside and rolled down the window to sk if we were lost and if she could help. This was a culture shock to those of us whose first instinct upon a seeing a car sidle up would be to hit the locks.  What does that say about the vicious city that we inhabit?

Sample sale update: this one looks good, and I thought I’d share.

THEORY

Clothingline
SSS Sample Sales
261 W 36th Street
(between 7th & 8th Ave)
2nd Floor
New York, NY 10018

C L O T H I N G L I N E

FOR WOMEN
5 days, 3 late nights
All seasons
All items are final sale

Samples & ir’s
Tees $20
Sweaters $30
Shirts $35
Skirts $40
Pants $50
Dresses $50
Blazers $60
Coats $70
plus knits, bulky sweaters, shorts, jackets & more

Stock / First quality
Tees, knits & shirts from $29 – $69
Shorts, skirts & pants from $49 – $89
Dresses $99
Blazers $139

ALL SALES FINAL

Hours:

Monday February 9 10:00 am – 7:00 pm Tuesday February 10 10:00 am – 7:00 pm Wednesday February 11 10:00 am – 6:00 pm Thursday February 12 10:00 am – 7:00 pm Friday February 13 10:00 am – 6:00 pm

* Our entrance closes 15 minutes prior to close of store.
Dressing room is OPEN, but closes 30 minutes prior to close of store.

Upcoming at the same space will be Kenneth Cole:

March 2 – March 6

Monday	10:00 am – 7:00 pm
Tuesday	10:00 am – 7:00 pm
Wednesday	10:00 am – 6:00 pm
Thursday	10:00 am – 7:00 pm
Friday	10:00 am – 6:00 pm

Kenneth Cole sample sale information

• for Men & Women
• clothing, footwear & accessories

I’ll finish off with a tip for the ladies that came up for me this week. I have always been a skirt/dress kinda gal. For some reason, it’s just how I’ve always rolled. When I was an itty bitty nursery school diva, my mom got a call from the teacher. Despite my otherwise angelic demeanor, there was one thing they were having trouble with when it came to me: I insisted on wearing dresses all the time, even on days when I was so cold I would kind of huddle in the corner for warmth. Clearly, in my 30 years on this earth, I have learned little. I went outside with a friend at work the other day to get some fresh air, and she was awed to see me wearing a skirt and heels. Was I cold? Maybe a smidge. Was I complaining? Actually (and perhaps uncharacteristically), no. Why, you ask? well, that’s a good question. Here’s my answer (and the tip you’ve been waiting for with bated breath): the hose/tights combo. For warmth on those days where the OCD creeps into your wardrobe decisionmaking (i.e. every day for yours truly), it doesn’t get much better than this. Maybe this isn’t nearly as novel an idea I seem to think it is, but I don’t recall ever having tried this strategy before last weeek, and I’ll be damned if it wasn’t something of a life changing epiphany. Give it a try and let me know what you think. I believe I might have just created a fashion breakthrough.

Underthings update

Hanky Panky makes cute undies. In the event that you care in any way about this nonsense holiday coming up this weekend and need last minute gifts/supplies, this sale might be right up your alley.

A VALENTINE’S DAY
POP-UP STORE
SALE EVENT

FOR
HANKY PANKY

FEBRUARY 11th-13th
10am to 8am

Savvy Customer Preview
Wednesday
8am to 10am

HOSTED BY
SAVVY & Co
145 WEST 18th STREET (Between 6th and 7th Avenues)

AMERICAN EXPRESS  |   MASTERCARD  |  VISA

Bidness update

I am actively searching out new personal shopping/styling clients. I have a lot of angst right now (personal stuff that needs not be dealt with in this here forum) and my knack for retaill therapy could be your gain! Please have a look at the following and pass it on to interested friends, family, co-workers, strangers, and anyone else you deem in need of my services:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/crs/1029783130.html

Thanks for the support, y’all!!!

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I continue to build this shopping/styling empire, I have run into a slight stumbling block: the name. Every fucking website domain I want is taken, and taken by bastard squatters. Well, fuck those assholes.  I’ve hit a cyber-wall and need some fresh brainstormin’, but refuse to let the squatters win. I need something snappy, relevant and incredibly fabulous. Suggestions are welcome, appreciated, and requested. Thanks in advance…looking forward to all the responses (hint, hint).

Also, since I don’t watch “Private Practice” and keep forgetting about this crossover nonsense with “Grey’s Anatomy”, I have for the past 2 weeks forgotten to DVR the PP following GA and am now left with an unsettling cliffhanger that I believe may have been resolved in the episode I didn’t see. If anyone knows whether things were wrapped up in a pretty little package in the subsequent hour, please let me know WITHOUT TELLING ME WHAT HAPPENED!!! I am just trying to determine whether I’m going to need to track down the episode or if I can hold off until next week’s GA to get the answers I need. Muchissimas gracias.

Entrepreneurial endeavor – it’s on!!!

I’m a businesswoman, bitches! It’s been a busy and fabulous few days in the burgeoning stages of my personal shopping venture. I’ve chosen a name, acquired a few clients, and bought several domain names, which are currently in the website development stage. Please, please, please spread the good news that a wonderful shopper and stylist is now on the scene and accepting new clients of all shapes, sizes, budgets, and genders (trannies welcome!). It’s a very exciting time, and I can’t wait to share the details of my experiences with you.

Mas sample sales

Sample sales are that wonderful phenomenon that defies evolutionary definitions, as women become both hunters AND gatherers. Of course, men can hold their own as well, but when the lady claws come out, the true masters show their colors.

These sales are all coming up within the next couple of months at Clothingline (261 West 36th Street [b/w 7th and 8th], 2nd Floor). Of course, were you to engage my professional services, I’d guide you through these events and find you the best pieces they’ve got.  I throw elbows, and would be happy to do so for you (and everyone you know). 261 W 36th Street (between 7th & 8th Ave)
2nd Floor
New York, NY 10018261 W 36th Street (between 7th & 8th Ave)
2nd Floor

Coming February 23 for Women

Coming March 2 for Men & Women

Coming March 10 for Men & Women

Coming March 17 for Women

Coming March 22 for Infants & Kids

Coming March 30 for Women

Coming April 13 for Women, Men & Kids

Peeing without a pee-pee…what’s a gal to do?

Picture it: you’re standing in a crowded place (i.e. the National Mall at the dawn of a new era, Times Square on New Year’s Eve [although why one would subject oneself to such torture I'll never know]). You are a lady, and you gots to go number one. You can’t just whip it out like our brothers can and do, since there’s no “it” to whip out (unless you’re a pre-op and have the best of both worlds). You don’t want an unsightly puddle gathering at your feet, but you don’t want to miss out on the action. You’re in a quandary: what do you do?

Allow me to present Go Girl. As a rather frequent pee-er (that’s not an overshare, it’s a fact), I find this product intriguing. I also find it kind of gross. However, as my beloved Michael K at Dlisted brought it to my attention, so too do I bring it to yours. Draw your own conclusions. Oh, and if you happen to have experience with or purchase this product, I think we’d all like to hear some feedback.

I’d also like to direct your attention to a new addition on the blogroll: F*** My Life. It was recently brought to my attention, and I haven’t stopped laughing since. It’s a great time waster, and it speaks to the notion that things could always be worse. Schadenfreude? Perhaps. Hilarious? Absolutely.

In these tough economic times…

Am I the only one who NEVER WANTS TO HEAR THAT PHRASE AGAIN????? Gah! Anyway, we could all use bargains, especially now, and if you’re over the catfighting at the Barney’s Warehouse Sale, here are some alternative sources of retail therapy:

C L O T H I N G L I N ESSS Sample Sales 261 W 36th Street (between 7th & 8th Ave) 2nd Floor New York, NY 10018

We accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express, ATM bank cards and cash. Preview us online at www.clothingline.com E-mail us at jordan@clothingline.com

For Women Savings to 90% off retail All sales are final FREE PEOPLE – all sizes - socks, scarves & mittens $4 -$7 - tees $10, shirts $20, sweaters $25 - skirts $15, pants $20 - dresses $30, outerwear $40 REPETTO – new shipment of shoes & dancewear - ballet flats $60, 2 for $100 - high heel and boots $75, 2 for $125 - sample dancewear $20 – $30 GUSTTO – very limited selection - one of a kind bags $50 & $99 MILLY – further reduced prices - sample skirts & pants $30 - sample tops $30 - sample dresses $65 EDIT – further reduced prices - shirts $20 - sweaters & dresses $50 - blazers $75 - coats & leathers $125 DESIGN HISTORY – further reduced prices - all styles $15, 2 for $25, 3 for $30 IMMA – further reduced prices - all styles reduced by 25% ALL SALES FINAL Hours: Monday February 23 10:00 am – 7:00 pm Tuesday February 24 10:00 am – 6:00 pm Women’s dressing room is open, but closes 1/2 hour prior to close of store. Our entrance and selling floor closes 15 minutes prior to close of store. ********************************************************* SOIFFER•HASKIN Cordially invites you to a private sale of Women’s & Men’s Shoes, Leather Goods, Ready to Wear & Accessories Up to 80% Off Retail Price Saturday, Feb. 28th through Wednesday, March 4th Saturday through Tuesday: 9:00am to 6:30pm Wednesday: 9:00am to 5:00pm To be held at: Soiffer Haskin 317 West 33rd Street, NYC (Just west of 8th Avenue) Credit Cards Only (American Express, Visa, MasterCard, JCB or Discover) No strollers allowed. No children under 12 will be admitted. For more information, call (718) 747-1656, Monday through Friday: 9:00am to 5:00pm. Soiffer Haskin, 1133 Westchester Avenue, Suite N136, White Plains, NY 10604 www.soifferhaskin.com

Manners…where have they gone?

Riddle me this: has the world become devoid of decency and common courtesy, or is it just disproportionately worse in New York by leaps and bounds? While I realize that this is not a new phenomenon, I, for one, notice more and more each day how motherfucking rude people are. Does it cost anything to hold a door? Not to my knowledge. Does doing so eat up an inordinate amount of time? From my estimation, it takes anywhere from a millisecond to a whopping 5 seconds, give or take the circumstances. Is there some rational explanation for the crowded door area/completely open middle space combo in the subway car, and corresponding refusal to move the fuck down? Truly baffling, really. So too is the open-legged seat stance preferred by so many fellow commuters, and let’s not forget our brothers and sisters who roll with strollers and/or a gazillion bags and packages strategically placed in EVERYONE’S WAY. There’s really no big finish or earth shattering point to this post; I just thought I would put it into words rather than let it continue to ping around my head until such time as my brain decides to explode. That is all.

CRAZY PEOPLE, PART 3

All work and very little play make me a horrible blogger Oh, how I’ve missed you!

Here’s a “Crazy People” update (actually, an update to the first update), because this bidness never stops! Despite the fact that we ALREADY WON, our illustrious opposing party has filed an order to show cause, claiming that he was “sick” during our last court appearance and that our statements about the situation are false. This means another trip to scenic River Avenue. At least it’ll be a chance to check in on the progress at the new Stadium! Details to follow…

Shopping news:

C L O T H I N G L I N ESSS Sample Sales 261 W 36th Street (between 7th & 8th Ave) 2nd Floor New York, NY 10018

Preview us online at www.clothingline.com E-mail us at jordan@clothingline.com

All accessories & swimwear are final sales. Dressing room will be closed for the duration of this sale. Our entrance and selling floor closes up to 30 minutes prior to close of store. J. CREW MEN’S & CREWCUTS SALE IS COMING APRIL 13TH.

Crazy People, Part Four A/K/A Trial (OK, Arbitration) of the Century

Sweet Jesus…this thing is never going to end! We went BACK to Small Claims Court again last night because everyone’s favorite yahoo filed his Show Cause motion. The sitting judge vacated our prior arbitration award because the “Southern Gentleman and Scholar” claims to have been sick the first time around. Regardless of the fact that said genius didn’t bother to contact the court for a continuance, we were forced to stick around and be re-heard by the arbitrator.

Long story short, this guy is beyond insane. The crux of his argument against paying the money he owes us is the fact that he is still bitter about not having gone to the “Aaron Boone game” a/k/a Game Seven of the…wait for it…2003 ALCS. No, that is not a typo. This fool is going back to an unrelated, 5+ year old, completely irrational grudge to lay the foundation for his current refusal to pony up. The pair of tickets for the “second shot heard ’round the world” game went to one of the other guys in our buying group who was going to bring his son along. Crazy McNutso asked that he be contacted if the son didn’t end up going. It seems that the son may or may not have gone to the game, and our West Virginian friend went apeshit. Apparently, the rest of the buying group had some sort of psychic powers and knew that this was going to be a game that would live on in history, so we decided to screw him out of those tickets for, oh I don’t know, shits and giggles.

It has now officially become a waiting game, as we anticipate the arbitration award to come through in our favor. Recovering the moolah, however, is going to be the tricky part. Methinks this looney-tunes isn’t going to hand over the cash with a bouquet of flowers and an apology card. In the likely event that he doesn’t comply with the award, we’ll have to send the Marshals after him and his assets. He, of course, will ultimamtely incur more cost upon himself, as he would be wholly responsible for the expenses involved with utilizing the Marshal Service.

I think I need a drink.

The apartment hunter’s motto

I knew that my attempt to relocate back to Manhattan from Strollerville USA wouldn’t be 100% smooth sailing. Nothing in the NYC real estate market ever is. I was hoping it wouldn’t be too painful. Said hopes were dashed when I met with my first few brokers. Despite the fact that I’ve lived all over this city, I never really had to deal with many of these folks before. Times have changed. These people (at least most of the ones I’ve met so far) are simply ridiculous. The best way to get someone to NOT work with you (and make you a hefty fee) is to waste their time. Hence, my new realty-searching tag line:

DON’T PISS ON MY HEAD AND TELL ME IT’S RAINING.

If I say I want a one bedroom, don’t show me a studio. If I say I absolutely, in no uncertain terms, want a dishwasher, don’t show me places without one. If you tell me that the apartment features huge outdoor space, don’t show me a 2X4 foot concrete extension out a window and laud it as a “terrace”. Don’t tell me that it’s a no-fee rental and that there’s one month free rent (usually highlighted by several exclamation points on the myriad Craigslist ads you run), then tell me that I’ll need to turn over the one month free rent as a fee. DO NOT use Photoshop, technical wizardry, or other imaging enhancements to turn a veritable shoebox into Gracie Mansion when advertising. None of this makes sense, and it only serves to piss off the potential client, a/k/a me. That being said, if any of y’all are brokers who shun these types of behaviors, I’d love to hear from you.

OK, rant over. Here’s some good news: Recessionista Tuesdays @Ted Gibson Salon (http://tedgibsonsalon.com)!!!

Cuts – $75
Blow dry – $40
Color – $75

Although I imagine that this discount doesn’t apply to the $950 price tag attached to a cut by Ted G himself, this is a pretty sweet deal. It’s probably wise to ask about prices when booking an appointment so you know what you’re getting into (i.e. if you want highlights, don’t just assume that the $75 color price applies).

Pop-ins, pricks, and Paula

Yes, I’m all over the place today. Bear with me.

Let’s start with PRICKS. Fuck the MTA. Somewhere really uncomfortable. Like in the back of a Volkswagen. Fuck the board members who know nothing of the crowded, unwashed masses that comprise rush hour traffic. Fuck these assholes who just a few years ago maintained a massive surplus (where’d it go, because it certainly didn’t go towards inproving service) and now cry poverty. Fuck these bitches who are not only hiking fares by alarmingly significant amounts, but are simultaneously making giant service cuts. Fuck their subsidized housing. Fuck their towncar rides to work. Fuck them all. Their time will come, and my only hope is that I be there to see it. I envision it might look something like the undoing of Mussolini at Piazzale Loreto.

Now, onto POP-INS. Since I live in the borough of Siberia, I don’t get many pop-ins. However, it can be a serious problem for some (well, maybe not so serious), and I address it now. Let’s use the generic example of the pop-in on a newly relocated person/couple/family/roommate conglomeration/etc. We’ll say that it took place at about 11 a.m. on a Saturday with no advanced notice.

The pop-in is a multifaceted maneuver, so let’s first examine the issue of timing. Not only was our pop-in in question undertaken just weeks after the big move, but it went down on a weekend morning. Whoa. There are red flags flying all over the place. I believe that a societal rule should be set in stone right here and now: no pop-ins on a fresh move until after the housewarming party*. To me, it’s just a matter of courtesy.

* N.B.: We are talking only about pop-ins. This rule does not apply to previously invited guests.

As for the weekend morning situation, I’ll borrow a line from one of the heroes of our time, a Mr. GOB Bluth, and that line is “Come on!!!” The morning pop-in moratorium is something that shouldn’t even have to be said, but alas, it seems to be an issue. As a self-accepting lifelong “non-morning person”, I might be alone on this one, but I really don’t think I am.

We now come to the question of notice: how much is enough? Unless it’s an emergency, simply pressing the buzzer to announce your presence does not notice make. A pop-in is not, by definition, an orchestrated event. It is an “I was in the neighborhood” kind of thing. As such, there is no reason to give less than 5 minutes notice for a standard pop-in. If one is already in the ‘hood, one can find something to do with one’s time for 5 minutes if need be. Find a Starbucks. I think this can happen if people pull together and realize how they’d react if someone was ringin’ on their door at an inopportune moment. Again, putting this guideline in place is common civility at work.

Finally, we get to PAULA. Girl, please get some styling help tout de suite. In fact, I hereby offer my services. The evening gown/tutu hybrid works on NO ONE. The Wednesday night Idol outfit served only 2 purposes: to confuse young children (who were up past their bedtime) by combining two pieces that even they would know not to put together whilst playing dress-up, and to just add fuel to the fire that is your reputation as a wacked out looney toon. The hair was pretty, and I’ll give you that. However, fire your wardrobe chick. YESTERDAY.